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Introducing Doll, Racked's first transgender guest blogger. Always secretly wishing he'd been born a Barbie, Doll was a young army brat who grew up and became a citizen of the world. After landing in Manhattan, he became a New York fashion insider, working in a high-powered industry position, living a life worthy of a feature film.
After mysteriously vanishing from the scene, Doll recently resurfaced and has embarked on a new roller-coaster ride of a journey. Follow his transformation, week by week, right here on Racked.
Doll: Nowadays, although I’ve been passing as a woman even when I’m wearing my boy’s clothes, some people still see me as an androgynous boy and refer to me as such. As I’ve said before I am not yet full time, so I’ve actually only been wearing my hair extensions, silicone breast cutlets, and a full face of make-up at night. What I look like during the day can border along the lines of a He/She.
With regards to interacting with others in public, I pretty much play it by ear as to how I respond towards the reactions of strangers. If they immediately refer to me as a woman, then I immediately modulate my voice to sound female. Otherwise I don’t even bother, and I let them think whatever they want. However, since I am starting to really look and pass as a female without much effort (sans all my artificial visual illusions), I am gaining more confidence to live and act full-time.
Just the other day Cher asked me when I will start using my modulated “Doll” voice full-time? My response was that I honestly do not know when, I explained to her that when I am amongst my close friends and family I revert to using my “real” voice only because I am not comfortable yet. It’s more so the sense of familiarity and my hesitation to put on my female persona towards people who know me as my former self. Confusing as it may seem I just feel like I am putting on a show when I really don’t have to (at least not yet). I know that once I am complete they will have to deal with Doll 24/7.
Back to the notion of “passing” and being able to do so effortlessly, I have since then been using the women’s restroom. And to be honest, I have not once been accosted by anyone, not even the bathroom attendants. I actually once tried using the men’s restroom during the earlier stages of my transition and would get confused looks from men wondering if I was lost. So I really am better off using the women’s restroom.
The challenge for me now is squatting with high-heels on and maintaining balance. I did however make an interesting observation on the difference in sound of how a man and a woman urinate. The way a man urinates sounds like more of a controlled stream because of the pressure coming out of a tiny hole as opposed to a woman’s vagina where it doesn’t sound as controlled and pressurized. I asked my dolls if this should be a concern of mine but they told me that no one would notice the difference and that I was just being paranoid and over critical. One has to understand that as a transgender striving to pass, everything needs to be taken in consideration!
I have been training myself to urinate sitting down at home and in public. Because when I do get my sexual re-assignment surgery, standing up will no longer be an option. I must admit though, that during times where the restrooms are too unsanitary for my standards – I will stand up rather than exhaust myself trying to squat gracefully.