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Last night's episode of Bravo's the Fashion Show—the third installment—was kind of a game changer. Most-hated Calvin was shipped over to the House of Nami to give his loser teammates on Emerald a fighting chance (his former teammates were hilariously unabashedly happy about this). In exchange for all of Calvin's hate and vitriol and baby doll tee shirts Emerald was blessed by Cesar. Cesar seemed to lose his touch, though, sending an over-embellished, neon-accented tranny nightgown down the runway only after helping all his old teammates perfect their looks. Essentially, instead of Cesar elevating Emerald he just sank down to their pitiable level.
The challenge involved designing an evening look for a femme fatale—a tempting seductress, a dangerous beauty—with examples being film noir actresses and vampires. Nami without Cesar produced a cohesive collection of black and white looks; Emerald a nightmare of garish synthetic crap with key holes and leather and lace and shocks of purple and orange on a black backdrop. Shocker: Nami won with Eduardo once again turning out the best look. Emerald failed and Tamara's ultra-hookery leggings and ruffly leather jacket were sent packing.
And now, our top ten moments from episode 3:
10.) Just watch that clip above—can we talk about that budget vampire vignette they threw together? I mean, the model was one thing (don't quit your day job!); but the electric candelabra? Really?
9.) Tamara's outfit was a heinous monstrosity but we did relish the tireless joy with which she plugged along (a truly Seven Dwarfs-like work ethic) while everyone around her was yawning and dying and miserable.
8.) You think we're exaggerating the heinousness of Tamara's look? A dialog between Calvin and Tamara: "That whole outfit together look very 42nd Street." "What's 42nd Street?" "Hooker." That said, all Tamara "kept thinkin' 'bout was Mary J. Blige."
7.) "Just make sure she can walk!"
6.) Calvin is a monster but he's pretty hilarious. His femme fatale is "Basic Instinct Sharon Stone sexy but evil as it can be." Then he directed hair and make-up to go "shiny and slutty and evil!"
5.) And on Eduardo's third lovely, structured, ruffled cocktail dress: "Same ruffle dress again. Saw it for the third time."
4.) We couldn't tell if the problem was with David's dress or David's model but we do not need to see that much belly button unless we're looking at a bikini or a crop top. And crop tops shouldn't exist so we do not need to see that much belly button unless we're looking at a bikini. And we were looking at a dress.
3.) Can Dita Von Teese just be a judge every week? She was pretty amazing. She said Tamara's leather jacket was "North Beach Leather 1982 sale rack" (Iman merely called it swashbuckler-appropriate). And Jeffrey's high-waisted skirt/keyhole-covered top combo she deemed: "Dracula going to work out." Meanwhile, Dita-love runneth over on our couch—"And her boobs? They're the best!" So serious and so spoken by a heterosexual female. (It should be noted that Isaac Mizrahi might not agree. He introduced her—oozing sarcasm—as a femme fatale "in her own right.")
2.) In case Isaac managed to not be majorly offended by Tamara's asking if he wears a bra—we got you covered because we're still pissed. But, man, he really shrugs shit off and comes right back: "You know what? I've never done drag in my whole life because I'm, like, such an ugly girl." Oh, Isaac ?
1.) Whoa, whoa, whoa: Calvin cried! We're not sure if he lost it because they tore his dress a new one (Even though he said he'd wear it right now on the street if someone gave him heels—can we get someone to send him a pair of heels, please?) or if after he acted super nice and helpful and cooperative and helped keep Nami on their winning streak his new teammates still called him their weakest link. Or maybe it was the fact that he ended up at the chopping block and at risk of going home with the whole entire losing team despite being a part of the winning team. Why? Per Iman: "You're problem as a designer is your problem as a person—you don't know how to edit yourself." Or maybe he realy felt for Tamara and truly wanted to switch places with her. But we doubt that.