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The Biggest Challenge In The History of Project Runway. Really.

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It's Week Five of Project Runway, and the remaining designers are given "the biggest challenge in the history of Project Runway." They are told to design a dress for a celebrity to wear on the cover of the April issue of Marie Claire. The designers are excited, wondering who that celebrity will be! Oh. It's Heidi Klum. How did Lifetime ever land her?

The designers are given guidelines by guest judge Joanna Coles, the Editor in Chief of Marie Claire. Joanna suggests they keep in mind that their garment may be featured on a magazine cover, so it shouldn't be too busy, because there will be print on top of it. And they should put most of their focus on the top of the garment, since the bottom won't show. Finally, their colors should be eye catching, to attract potential readers. Despite the fact that this is, as we keep being told, "the biggest challenge in the history of Project Runway," the designers take all Joanna's tips, and for the most part, ignore them. Many pick dull pastels, white or beige fabrics, while Amy chooses a busy pattern. Meanwhile, Jay and Janeane create elaborate skirts.

Our judges this week are Michael, Nina and the aforementioned Joanna Coles. Joanna spits out enough pithy barbs that she makes Michael seem relatively tame.

Our top three designers for the week are Emilio, with a gorgeous magenta gown, which he restyles on the runway; Ben, with a multi-colored dress, which we assume looks better in person than it does on our television; and Anthony with a dramatic aqua mini dress. Anthony, in the words of Michael, bids adieu to all "the costume drama" and wins "the biggest challenge in the history of Project Runway." Our bottom three include the overly cocky Mila, with her color blocking dress gone bad; Janeane, whose dress would have been perfect for Anne Hathaway in The Princess Diaries; and Anna Marie, who after four weeks of seeing Heidi in slinky maternity dresses, decides that a baggy top with shorts, would make a perfect cover girl outfit for her. Not surprisingly, we bid "auf Wiedersehen" to Anna Marie.

And in our As Tears Go By count, there are no tears shed this week, leaving our number of crying jags steady, at ten for the season.


And now for this week's Top Ten Moments of Project Runway Greatness...

10. Anthony says, "When you're in the bottom three, the only place you can go is up." Yes, or home.

9. Ben describes his dress as "Madame Butterfly on acid." Isn't that a description of Ping?

8. Michael Kors says the phrase, "You made it work." Does this count as copyright infringement?

7. Anna wonders what possessed her to make three pieces instead of one. Perhaps a subliminal desire to be aufed?

6. Anthony says, "I want to design a dress that is form fitting, short, but not slutty." He does know he's designing for Heidi Klum, right?

5. Jonathan designs what he calls "a romper" and what we call "an ecru satin Wonder Woman costume."

4. Janeane has a premonition that she and Ana may be in the bottom two. Funny, we had that same premonition -- before we even turned on this episode.

3. Nina proclaims, "When I see Heidi, I don't necessarily see her as sweet." We'd like to think there is a lot of bitchy subtext in this.

2. Anthony hits his roommate Jay with a bible. A lot of people use religion as a weapon, but usually not physically.

1. Guess what -- this is "the biggest challenge in the history of Project Runway"?

· Showdown at the Tents: Project Runway's Real Top Ten [Racked]

· Project Runway Episode Four: It's a Matter of Taste [Racked]

· Project Runway Episode Three: Seems Like We've Seen This Challenge Before [Racked]