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Oh, Kelly Cutrone—you're making our TVs very happy. Kell On Earth episode 3 premiered on Bravo last night. And, yes, there's already a formula: stress, panic, lots of bleeping, interns screw up and salaried elders repair, one show goes great, the other doesn't go so well, and Cutrone plays human for about four minutes total when she spends time with her adorable daughter. Whatevs, every word that falls out of this woman's mouth is pretty much gold.
Last night we buckled up for Nicolas Petrou's first menswear collection presentation—an exercise in the avant garde that left the designer infuriated and People's Revolution unpaid—and the Agent Provocateur collection which seemed to have all the trappings of imminent disaster but ended up being a total success.
But enough of the plot—you don't care. Here, the Top Ten Moments of Kell On Earth Episode 3:
10.) Cutrone, casting for the Agent Provocateur show: "Right now does anyone have any issue with nipples, boobies, bras, or your ass," because if you do this is the wrong casting to be at," because they were "looking for eight, great girls who are thin but not bony!"
9.) The whole scene was great, on a tough-looking model: "Smile a little bit, we're trying to sell underwear not beat someone up. Thank you." On another: "She has a strange face!"
8.) Basically, we really need to read Cutrone's book, she is hilarious: "You have to find girls that are going to be wearing nothing, basically. Most models are so skinny, it's like Auschwitz, you're like, omigod, not even the fashion industry thinks that's sexy. With underwear."
7.) Interns don't have names at People's Revolution. Basically, they have to answer to "INTERN!"
6.) Cutrone used the term "Wackadoo" twice. The better example, on booking a space and then being cancelled on: "We made a three hour tour, hearing about all this history and about how great friends we're going to be, and we air kiss seven hundred million fucking thousand people and somehow we lost the space! Some kind of wackadoo, flip-of-a-bitch happens and we're stuck before an event with no place to go."
5.) The very young, very sweet, probably not terribly smart male models in patterned Petrou body stockings were hysterical. One, to the others—a group of harlequin-, checker-, and flame- printed head-to-toe cartoons: "You guys look stupid!"
4.) Cutrone, in the "confessional," RE: the same models: "Life is so cruel. Why do I have to be 44 and work with like these hot guys who are like 21 who are so beautiful and so innocent that they're just like you know, 'Mommy will you please help me change,' and it's just like god! I'm too well-behaved!" That little soliloquy came after she was so mesmerized and hang dog over one of the shirtless dudes that all she could say was, "Wow."
3.) How does Other-Stephanie have a job anywhere? It's an insult to the unemployed masses drinking themselves into oblivion all over our country. She spelled a client's name wrong in a press release. She couldn't figure out which menswear contacts were most in need of an invitation and ended up printing tons of duplicate envelopes while wasting hours and acres of woodland. How does she take control: "I'm going to find out exactly how many stamps we have!" They had 120. Meanwhile, Stephanie, who looks so tired it pains us, admits she has no respect for her giraffe-like associate: "I mean, it's not brain surgery. It's not that difficult."
2.) Cutrone, on Petrou's attitude (he cut WWD to shreds—not exactly a genius move): "He's an idiot. You know how far [he's] going to go in the fashion industry? Like, not as far as my pinkie."
1.) Agent Provocateur's head of marketing losing it pre-show: "I NEED CUTRONE!" Yeah, we do too, like a new episode every night. Thanks.
And one little bonus nugget of industry wisdom: "It's fashion—of course somebody's going to do something to fuck you over it's just part of your daily life."