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Urban Survival Guide: What To Do If Naomi Campbell Attacks

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Who has time to be scared of vampires and zombies when there are supermodels on the loose? These six-feet tall, lithe, and glamorous creatures lure their victims with sparkly baubles, shiny hair, and carefully cultivated, charming smiles, only to clobber them at short range. Note the recent case involving Naomi Campbell, who allegedly bashed her driver's head into his steering wheel, subsequently fleeing on foot. She's craftily managed to avoid charges.

Lucky for us, the LA Times has a handy guide on how to survive a Naomi Campbell attack—tips include:

· If you or a family member should encounter Campbell in person, it’s best to duck preemptively, and maybe say something nice about Azzedine Alaia.
· Campbell is adept at traversing long distances in heels as high as 10 inches; just because she once stumbled in a pair of amazing 10-inch Westwood platforms doesn’t mean she can’t overcome a fleeing victim in eight seconds or less.
· If you lack the means to defend yourself, and you must flee, it’s best to do it on wheels. Just make sure, before you take off, that Campbell hasn’t slipped into the back seat.
Oh, and for your own safety, please note that: "Campbell does not limit her attacks to manual salvos. She also is skilled with projectiles."
· Is your family prepared in case of a Naomi Campbell attack? [LA Times]