Last night Kell On Earth returned after Bravo's week-long Housewife plug-a-thon—and though a week without Kelly Cutrone seemed empty, arduous and almost cruel—last night's episode hardly made up for the absence. The episode was, well, kind of flat. Aside from another Stephanie break-down (someone put this girl away) there was little drama. The Jeremy Scott show went so well it was almost boring; and back in New York a little party for Ina's newest shop went fine except for a harrowing 15 minutes in which two members of the People's Revolution staff, the shop owner, and the bartender were in on a hideous and heart-breaking secret: they were out of booze.
We cobbled together a top ten anyway. Here now, the best moments from Kell On Earth episode 5:
10.) Stephanie is "fresh off the boat ? From Chicago."
9.) Want some levity? It came in the form of Jeremy Scott's Flintstones-inspired collection of $600 dresses that look like (and knowing the collection very likely feel like) $28 Halloween costumes from Ricky's. Could you imagine trying to sell these things to buyers, let alone to shoppers? How could there not have been any criticism—or for that matter a few good jokes—during this segment? Disappointed.
8.) Kelly on the late-'80s: "The only thing I had to do was work and party." What's changed?
7.) Emergency! The party is ruined! "We are out of tequila!" The day-to-day crises of a fashion publicist; definitely up there with plane crashes for airline executives and, you know, everything that's happening at Toyota for everyone that works for Toyota.
6.) Have you ever been walking around in Manhattan and wondered where the heterosexual men might be? Andrew has too: "that's the problem with this city—everybody looks gay but no-one is."
5.) "I basically would work alone during the day doing PR, and go out at night to nightclubs where I would see people and like air kiss them and say hi and hear about like how fantastic this was and did you hear about that and where are you going?" We know these people, and they're exhausting.
4.) Ew: Other-Andrew's date. Talk about trying too hard (Except in terms of getting dressed ? Did he come straight from work as an IT guy for a small accounting firm on a casual Friday? Who wears a white crew-neck undershirt and a wrinkled blue oxford on a first date?) with word association. "Banana!" "Sexual education class!" Throw that one back.
3.) What is Kelly wearing in this episode? A shawl that looks a lot like that hideous afghan hanging off the back of Roseanne's couch for all nine seasons (even after they won the lottery) and some sort of crazy, synthetic flowing water waves caftan that the entire staff could've fit into with room to spare. And let's not forget that Ed Hardy-looking thing she wore to the Jeremy Scott show only after she and Ilario decided it looked better with its collar ripped open.
2.) Can you imagine working for a person who buys her employees lube before showing up at their first dates?
1.) This cracked us up because we're ultra-mature: "I have all these clients that need to be serviced! And no-one's being serviced!"
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