Ep 7: Lingerie, Grandma, and Too Many Men Named Michael

Racked is no longer publishing. Thank you to everyone who read our work over the years. The archives will remain available here; for new stories, head over to Vox.com, where our staff is covering consumer culture for The Goods by Vox. You can also see what we’re up to by signing up here.

We kick off week seven of Project Runway with Heidi telling the designers that they'll be having brunch on a boat with a special surprise guest. The surprise guest turns out to be the person who Project Runway's "surprise guests" almost always inevitably turn out to be, Michael Kors. Ho hum. Kors informs the designers that they are to create designs for a resort collection. Mondo panics, insisting that the closest he's been to a resort is when he wakes up late and wanders around his apartment in his underwear. But most of the other contestants are excited by the challenge. They get even more excited when they are given free Michael Kors sunglasses, in a bit of product placement which we hope was not the sole impetus for this challenge.

After a trip to Mood, Tim drops another surprise on the designers. They are to be paired in teams of two—with each designer working as a seamstress, creating their partner's samples. None of the contestants are thrilled with this, but Ivy takes diva to a whole new level. Her demonization of her partner Michael D's sewing skills makes her previous rants against Michael C, seem loving by comparison. Meanwhile, Mondo is mortified to be paired with Michael C, and initially bitches repeatedly about what a terrible designer he is. Once Mondo actually starts working with Michael C, however, he realizes that his partner is a decent hardworking person and apologizes for the cruel comments. This move shows more maturity than anything we've seen this season, with the possible exception of some of Casanova's AARP-worthy designs.

Midway through the challenge, the designers get yet a third surprise, a critique by Michael Kors. They are much more excited about this than we are, and with good cause. Kors advice is actually extremely helpful, to the point where we wish he'd participate in this way more often. And if he does do this again, here's a note to all future contestants: If Michael says to make changes in your garment, do it, even if you don't agree. At worst it will keep you out of the bottom three and at best you will win. Not that we're saying Michael judges with a bias, but...

Joining judges Michael Kors and Nina Garcia is "stylish actress, Kristen Bell." Kristen contributes frequently to the final judging of the contestants, making helpful comments about the designs like, "It doesn't have enough for me to want to love."

Our top three designs this week are Michael D's black linen dress, which almost causes its tailor Ivy to hyperventilate; Andy's stunning bathing suit and wrap ensemble; and April's black top with negligee-like sheer skirting over shorts. And our winner is...April! The designer is so stunned by her win that Heidi teases her for just standing there dumbfounded.

Our three bottom designs for the week are Mondo's bathing suit, with the non-matching hoody, which look like cheap Junior separates; Ivy's shapeless white schmattas, which, according to her, are completely the result of Michael D's poor sewing skills; and Casanova's ensemble, which he says was inspired by his grandmother. NO, CASANOVA, NO! Never tell the judges anything that will make them think your outfit will appeal to anyone old. Or fat. Or human. Sadly, Heidi bids "auf Wiedersehen" to the charming and hilarious Casanova. And the editors give him the show's first-ever going home montage—practically worthy of a voted off American Idol contestant.

And in our As Tears Go By count, Valerie cries on the phone while talking to her mother, then sobs again at the mere thought of being sent home. Ivy cries when her placement in the bottom three makes it appear as though she might actually go home. And April cries after she wins. These four crying bouts added to our previous total, brings the number of crying jags for the season to twenty four.

Be sure to check out our Project Runway Fashion Week coverage from yesterday and see if you can figure out who had the decoy collections. Also tune into the show next week, when Tim Gunn will say what may be the best Tim Gunn line ever, (hint, it involves the words, "Jackie Kennedy" and "camel toe.")

And now for this week's Top Ten Moments of Project Runway Greatness...

10). Casanova's model tells the designer she would wear his outfit. Then she turns on Golden Girls for more fashion tips.

9). April describes her sheer black top over shorts as, "Crazy-ass asylum," although it might more accurately be dubbed, "Frederick's of Hollywood catalogue, page ten."

8). Ivy argues with Heidi about whether or not she threw Michael D under the bus. By the way, Ivy, we'd like to introduce you to your show's Executive Producer, Heidi Klum.

7). When discussing Ivy, Michael Kors rages, "She's a seamstress, that's what she is!" In the same tone many of us might accuse someone of being a thief, a murderer, or possibly a Republican.

6). After Gretchen makes multiple large drawings of her design to compensate for what she sees as Casanova's poor English comprehension, he responds, "Oh my God, she believes I'm retarded!" Thus proving his English is more than adequate for the occasion.

5). After Tim announces, "Michael Kors presents a very Michael Kors challenge," we immediately think the designers will be competing to see who can make themselves the most orange.

4). Kristen says that she loves April's outfit and would wear it on the red carpet. Thankfully, Joan and Melissa still have a show.

3). If Michael D is such a bad sewer, than why hasn't Ivy been trashing him all along instead of Michael C? Oh right, because he hasn't been winning.

2). Michael Kors says Mondo's outfit looks like "Forever 21 on the sales rack," which probably means that this is at least one design that the chain won't bother knocking off.

1). After the Runway, former foes Mondo and Michael C sit with their arms around each other. Next challenge–who can make the cutest BFF bracelet!

· Who Looks Like “a cross between Snooki and the Flintstones?” [Racked]

· The Bad News Bears vs Team Gretchen [Racked]

· Heidi Klum Would Totally Wear Hot Pants and Hats [Racked]