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Another Christmas, Another Love, Frank Letter to Santa

Racked is no longer publishing. Thank you to everyone who read our work over the years. The archives will remain available here; for new stories, head over to Vox.com, where our staff is covering consumer culture for The Goods by Vox. You can also see what we’re up to by signing up here.

You know Frank—he's been writing about menswear, sales, television, new shops, the recession, Lisa Loeb, the Golden Girls and getting blasted for Racked for almost two years. Well, we think it's time you got to know him and his quirky-irreverent views on life and fashion even better with his column: Love, Frank. Taking the form of an open letter and always signed with love, Frank will rant about whatever style-related conundrum he encounters in a given week. So buckle your two-toned leather Moschino belts, folks, it's going to be ? Something.


Return to sender if my 500 comes equipped three dorks straight out of some mall's Christmas billboard via Top Always Down (that name: LOL).

Dear Santa,

What can I say? I'm a little disappointed. And, frankly, I'm embarrassed for you. Because you blew it.

I wrote you this whole missive last December—riddled with holiday spirit and oozing appreciation and goodwill toward men—and you basically totally ignored me. It's not even like I asked for all that much. Just some gorgeous Spring '11 stuff that wasn't really in stores yet that you, if anyone, should have had access to. And, also, a Christmas tree trimmed in jewelry, ties, and sunglasses. I mean, I'm not, like, Suri Cruise. I don't want a pony and a princess dress.

I received no Karen Walker last year. No Pringle. No Dunhill. Certainly no vintage Mercedes roadster.

I didn't even get Romy and Michele's High School Reunion on DVD.

But, despite those disappointments, I'm going to give you another chance. You know, in the spirit of the season or something.

Let's start with clothes (obviously): I want basically everything in Marni's, Valentino's and Tommy Hilfiger's spring collections. (Sidenote: Can we talk about how insane it is that anyone with a shred of a clue wants anything from Tommy and it's practically 2012? Way to make a comeback!)

Plus: All the blue versions of everything Simon Spurr sent down the runway. As for Neil Barrett—if anyone could get us to wear black, it's him. We'll take all that stuff as is.

And, maybe a tall order, but can you just powwow with Consuelo Castiglioni over at Marni and convince her to have someone re-cut those banded long johns in a trouser? Pop on some back pockets? Thanks.

As for items that aren't clothes: See that little Fiat 500 up there? A colleague purchased one of those for his wife. Where's my 500? Who is buying me a tiny Italian convertible this holiday? You, Santa, that's who. Just, you know, not in white (the yellow is cute). Again, giant holiday car bow absolutely required or don't even bother.

But in all seriousness (I can do that from time to time)—aside from this Paul Smith scarf I'm dying over, and maybe Romy and Michele—I'd just love a wonderful holiday and a stylish, hilarious new year for every friend and reader of Racked.

Happy Everything and all the best!

· Love, Frank [Racked]