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You know Frank—he's been writing about menswear, sales, television, new shops, the recession, Lisa Loeb, the Golden Girls and getting blasted for Racked for over a year. Well, we think it's time you got to know him and his quirky-irreverent views on life and fashion even better with his brand new column: Love, Frank. Taking the form of an open letter and always signed with love, Frank will rant about whatever style-related conundrum he encounters in a given week. So buckle your two-toned leather Moschino belts, folks, it's going to be ? Something.
Dear Summer Gun-Jumpers and the Seasonally Deluded,
Look, we're as anxious to get our spring on as you are. We wrote a love letter to our summer looks and warm weather fantasies just last week! But, newsflash: It's barely the second week of March and only about ten degrees above freezing. Sure, it's bright—but it's winter-bright and winter-bright is incredibly deceiving. And this past weekend—not even bright.
Kind of a bummer—after this winter's snow we're all ready for spring. But, it's also pretty much totally normal and logical—it being March and all.
Which is exactly why you guys are kind of freaking us out.
Take the young man next to us on the subway two days ago. It's raining buckets and, well, it was March then too—and genius has on Easter green patch-pocket short-shorts, a tissue-thin tee and white Chuck Taylors. We doubt Mr. Patch-Pockets just disembarked a plane from Cancun. And this was not a post-gym look—really, it was just stupid.
Likewise the three gentleman we spotted yesterday—yesterday was cold!—all in some variation on the luxury, drop-crotch sweat short-and-boots look (with a tank and a flannel—what else?) Again, we're assuming these weren't gym or post-gym looks—we're doubt cashmere and leather drop-crotch lounge shorts by Neil Barrett ever see the insides of any gym. And Dior boots are certainly not regulation footwear.
At least they were wearing boots and flannels—the other day we spotted a guy who seemed to confuse March in Brooklyn with July on the Cape: Tailored little khaki shorts and a little tiny gingham shirt over a chest-bearing v-neck and boat shoes. Like, congratulations on your 29-inch waist; and maybe he did think the lot of us were just staring at his body. Rather, we were gaping incredulously before silently judging.
Oh, and the girls, the girls in their teeny-tiny little toe-cleavage flats and their cropped little pants, shivering and dodging puddles. Where are you? Where are you going? Tell us where you are!
People: You can't just force winter into submission by prancing around nearly naked—doing this just makes you look insane, and you can't possibly be comfortable.
And you know all your moms would be shaking all their heads and warning against catching colds—if they only knew.
Want to get a head start on spring? Sunglasses. Bright-colored accessories. Light layers (a jean jacket under a cropped peacoat; a leather hoodie under something twill; a cardigan under anything). If it's dry—sure, sneakers or flats or boat shoes. But put some socks on! And, omigod, toes are bad enough when it's seasonally appropriate. Keep 'em covered.
You people are nuts.
· Love, Frank [RNA]