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Frank (Sorta) Recommends: A Designer Litany Rapped by a Former Friend

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You know Frank—he's been writing about menswear, sales, television, new shops, the recession, Lisa Loeb, the Golden Girls and getting blasted for Racked for almost two years. Well, we think it's time you got to know him and his quirky-irreverent views on life and fashion even better with his column: Love, Frank. Taking the form of an open letter and always signed with love, Frank will rant about whatever style-related conundrum he encounters in a given week. So buckle your two-toned leather Moschino belts, folks, it's going to be ? Something.

Dear Skeptics, Forgetters and the Holier Than Thou,

We recently ran across a Lisa Kudrow/Damon Wayans vehicle called Marci X. And we suggest, cautiously and conditionally, you consider checking it out.

A satirical, upside-down love story between a Jewish heiress fashionista (Kudrow) and the flagship hardcore rap artist (Wayans) on a record label her ailing father didn't really know he owned—the movie is, by all means, pretty terrible.

Its release was barely a flash in a pan, raking in under $2 million dollars when—after months or years—the shelved project was finally released in August of 2003. And, while we remembered it coming out and sort of wanted to see it—who doesn't love Lisa Kudrow? We never made it to the theater that first week; before it was flushed out for something that could conceivably attract paying customers. And we never really thought about it again until years later (circa 2008). It popped up on our Netflix profile. We imagine you can probably only queue up so many pop culture satires or fashion-centric romps or debatably terrible movies featuring Friends alumni before a movie like Marci X makes its existence known. Anyway, it came in the mail a few days later.

We never made it through that particular viewing. Frankly, we blame ourselves for giving up on it—we just hadn't had enough wine. Another whirl this past weekend and we sort of get it.

Actually, no, we don't. We can't figure out who the target audience was or why it was made when it was made—weren't controversial lyrics in hip hop an issue in, like 1993, not 2003? We also can't totally wrap our minds around the love story; whether or not either party was using the other to get what they wanted; why it happened so early on and why it so awkwardly continued to the end (which we barely remember both due to the wine and the fact that it just wasn't memorable).

Another reason the end is foggy? We were still talking about Marci's pocketbook-centric rap: The Power in my Purse.

Yes, it sounds terrible. It is terrible, actually. But, allow Racked to paint a picture: Lisa Kudrow is a dimwitted rich girl with a fashion obsession. She has three impeccably-dressed buddies—including Jane Krakowski. They all wear head-to-toe Chanel, in every scene (the clothes probably retailed for more than the movie grossed)—with Kudrow's outfits consistently being what some might call the most forward and what we might call the most crazy (good crazy).

Then she starts rapping, and it's almost painful but not really, drink more wine—plus, who doesn't love Lisa Kudrow?. You're about to turn it off when suddenly, without hesitation, she freestyles this Vogue-esque spoken interlude that is a tribute to, like, every name you could dream of in fashion in 2003. Allow us:

It's au courant,
Just what you want,
Hermès, Versace,
Saint Laurent.

Please give me more
Of Michael Kors,
And Gucci, Pucci, Miss Dior.

Louis Vuitton
Just gets me gone,
Ferrè, Dolce, turn me on.

Halston, Calvin, hip hooray,
Hervé Léger and Gaultier.

Give me Ralph or give me Donna,
Valentino, yes, I wanna.

Lagerfeld, and in all candor,
Balenciaga and Jil Sander.

Armani, please, you know I gotta
And Missoni, Boss and Prada,
Badgley Mischka,
Courrèges, Cardin.

Whoa! Epic, right? What else is there? Oh, wait, allow Marci:

Can I keep going?
Yes, I can!

De la Renta and Kamali,
Lacroix, Bill Blass,
Bravo, Cavalli!

Betsey Johnson, Anna Sui,
I see me in a Givenchy.

Von Furstenberg and Perry Ellis,
Please, Marc Jacobs,
don't be jealous!

We were exhausted and exhilarated and couldn't wait to watch again (which happened, more than once), but first:

I love them all,
It's like a curse.

It's fashion power,
In my purse!

Preach!

So, yeah, Netflix Marci X (the clip isn't on YouTube or we'd send you there). It's not good, but it's pretty good. Because, seriously, who doesn't love Lisa Kudrow?

· Love, Frank [Racked]