Excerpt From Tyra Banks' New Book Modelland: "Reverse-Punch the Hairy Hag! But Watch Your Hair, Sweetie!"

Racked is no longer publishing. Thank you to everyone who read our work over the years. The archives will remain available here; for new stories, head over to Vox.com, where our staff is covering consumer culture for The Goods by Vox. You can also see what we’re up to by signing up here.

Tyra Banks' first book, a young adult novel called Modelland, doesn't hit bookstore shelves until September 13th, but the good folks over at Barnes & Noble have posted a sample chapter on its site—ostensibly to entice readers to pre-order Banks' debut literary masterpiece. Um, or not, as the case may be.

Modelland tells the story of an unlikely-named teenager called Tookie De La Creme who has mismatched eyes and a "large forehead" (sound familiar yet?). It's about a magical place called, um, Modelland (ooh, a metaphor) where a handful of women are selected each to become Intoxibellas (read: supermodels). But before you can win the Intoxibella badge, you have to survive the "beastly Catwalk Corridor" and the "terrifying Thigh-High Boot Camp."

Is this book blurb hurting you yet? If not, or if yes and you are sadistic, check out the full sample chapter here. We've got one of our favorite passages after the jump.

It includes passages of literary genius like this description of a walk-off:

A girl who looked as if she had never walked in heels before stumbled, breaking the tips of both stilettos. Two girls got into a fight at the end of their makeshift catwalk, rolling to the ground. "Kenya, use the Gyaku Zuki move!" her mother screamed. "Reverse-punch the hairy hag! But watch your hair, sweetie!"

Tookie wheeled around. The hairy hag was Abigail Goode, sideburns in full glory, faint mustache above her upper lip, unshaven leg hair coating her calves, underarm hair swaying in the wind, and a DOWN WITH RAZORS! picket sign still in her hands. The girl she was fighting with tried out a karate move on her, but Abigail expertly evaded her blow.

· Tyra Banks Modelland, $10.58 at Barnes & Noble