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It's week five of Project Runway and the designers must create "stylish" clothing that go with Heidi Klum's line of New Balance sneakers. In retrospect, designing clothing for models on stilts doesn't seem so bad. The designers are brought to the New Balance track and ordered to run a race to see which ones will head up four design teams. The winners are Viktor, Anthony, Bryce and Josh M—all men. These results shock no one who has ever played on a playground.
If you noticed that we said "Josh M" instead of just "Josh," like we've been saying for the last few weeks, there is a reason...Cecilia, realizing that she is on a show where designers have to run around a track and create clothing out of pet food, decides she'd rather crawl in a hole and die. But instead, she just quits the show. With Cecilia gone, Heidi lets the team of Viktor and Olivier choose which one of the season's already aufed designers to bring back as their third teammate. They pick everyone's favorite seemingly-closeted Mormon, Josh C.
Each design team must create a collection of three outfits of chic casual sportswear, but Heidi should have just told them to make boxing gear, because they do more sparring than sewing. First, Burt fights with his teammates Anthony and Laura. Their quarrel is either about the fact that the younger designers don't listen to any of Bert's suggestions, or that Bert is a cranky son of a bitch who is incapable of getting along with anyone he's ever met. Next, Joshua M lets out even more of his inner mean girl than usual, and condescendingly and cruelly gives orders to his indentured seamstress, Becky. The winners of these two bouts move on into a battle of the titans, with Bert taking on Josh M. Their fight starts over who has the right to use a specific sewing machine and ends with the two wishing death upon each other. Josh points out that grandpa Bert is a whole lot closer to it.
Our judges this week are Nina Garcia, Michael Kors and guest judge, Erin Wasson—a model, designer and occasional stylist. We suspect Erin also probably want to be a DJ. Erin is completely useless as a judge and will not be mentioned again in this piece. More interestingly, an argument breaks out between Nina and Heidi. Despite the fact that Anthony has made the week's ugliest garment, Nina wants to save him, due to his strong track record (no New Balance pun intended). Heidi points out that doing this would negate the theme of the entire series—"One day you're in, the next you're out." Needless to say, (figurative) heavyweight Nina, wins this battle.
The results of the judging are very bizarre. First we learn that team captain Viktor is the winner—thanks to his fabulous leather jacket and drab dress. His prize is that both will be made by New Balance and sold on Amazon, along with the rest of Heidi's line. But then Heidi informs us that Josh M is also the winner—but instead of making and selling his design, New Balance will sell his group's maxi dress. This is a dress that Anya designed, Becky sewed and Josh M was—well, in the same room with. Yes, Josh M wins for his great team leadership abilities, which include repeatedly insulting his teammate and then following her into a bathroom stall in the ladies room to try to get her to stop crying. We suspect they don't teach these skills at Wharton.
Our two lowest scoring designers for the week, are Danielle, who makes a variation on the same green chiffon blouse that she makes every week, and the previously mentioned Anthony, who creates a top and shorts that manage to be both big and tight, as well as showing camel toe. As we've already given away, Nina saves Anthony, so a pissed off Heidi is forced to bid "auf Wiedersehen," to Danielle. This takes us by surprise, since due to all the squabbling, Danielle doesn't even get the usual losers' benefit of lots of screentime.
And now for this week's Top Ten Moments of Project Runway Greatness...
10. After working with her for an entire challenge, Josh M confuses blonde Becky with African American Kimberly. Perhaps Bert isn't the only one having age problems.
9. Cecilia says, "It took a long time to become the women that I want to be..." A woman who quits reality shows.
8. As the captains pick their teams, an unwanted Bert laments, "This feels like volleyball in gym." Millions of viewers nod knowingly.
7. After Josh M calls Becky's clothing dowdy, he tells her, "It wasn't meant as a bad thing."
6. Mormon Josh C comes back from the dead. Maybe Joseph Smith was on to something.
5. When Heidi sees Bert trailing at the end of the race, she offers to run the last few meters with him. She keeps up with him—despite wearing heels.
4. When the designers learn that the winning design will be manufactured and sold on Amazon with the rest of Heidi's line, Anya says, "It's so big that I can't even conceive of it." Anya, think Etsy, only mass produced and uglier.
3. Bryce designs a "cowl hoody" for Heidi, after Nina refused to let him design one last week. Perhaps he thinks cowls came back in style between episodes.
2. Josh M says Becky's "demographic is like forty to death." Judging by Josh M's penchant for bedazzling, his demographic is the legally blind.
1. Josh C calls Heidi "The Klum of doom."