Speculation Time! What Eddy and Patsy Should Wear for AbFab '11

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You know Frank—he's been writing about menswear, sales, television, new shops, the recession, Lisa Loeb, the Golden Girls and getting blasted for Racked for almost two years. Well, we think it's time you got to know him and his quirky-irreverent views on life and fashion even better with his column: Love, Frank. Taking the form of an open letter and always signed with love, Frank will rant about whatever style-related conundrum he encounters in a given week. So buckle your two-toned leather Moschino belts, folks, it's going to be ? Something.

Dear Jennifer Saunders,

First, it needs to be said: New episodes of Absolutely Fabulous? Well, that's just about the best news ever. So, thanks!

And almost more than the new episodes themselves—which are sure to be brilliantly, cruelly, deliciously, messily funny—we are so, so, so excited about the clothes!

Ab Fab was never about class. Rather, crass is one of the show's key players—money talking through piles and piles of ludicrously expensive, outrageously trendy, logo-festooned clothing.

Yes, Jennifer's Edina Monsoon certainly knows what names to shop for; if not what pieces might actually remain appealing next season. Or, well, what items might actually fit.

But that was the point, wasn't it? Who cares if the outfits entered Fashion Roadkill territory? Those boleros and techno-fabric whatevers and jumper dresses and ridiculous graphic tee shirts didn't need to fit—they needed to look expensive. They needed to prove a point. That point: She may not look good in that mustard pants suit or that stretchy tube dress but she looks rich. And certainly richer than you.

And, if you're not hip enough to know that she's wearing Stella McCartney-Chanel-Donna Karan-Lacroix-Moschino-Vivienne Westwood-Gaultier-Burberry then, well, the logo across that crammed together chest will clue you in.

(If a certain big fat mouth doesn't do it first.)

So, our minds are reeling. What key runway pieces with astronomical price tags will we find stretched around Edina's two-too-many-stone curves this go-around? Who will make the 2011 cut? We have some guesses—or at least some suggestions. She'll obviously still be dressing too young—you gotta put her in some Alexander Wang. Yes, his clothes tend to be unfussy but there certainly is sheen. Just focus on luxe fabrics and inappropriate fits and you're set. On the more maximalist side—we can't imagine not seeing her parade around in piles of stripey-printy-crazy Prada; her '90 platforms traded in for chunky espadrille creeper-wingtips. And, well, everyone's talking about Celine—so she'll have to get in on that. In the least tasteful way possible, of course. So, color-blocking and chevron-spangled knits and intricate geometric print everything in primaries all at once and way too small.

She'll naturally need to be on the We All Heart Alexander McQueen bandwagon so she'll be blowing through all the signature skull-printed pieces she can get her hands on; not to mention anything with feathers. And we can't imagine the woman has left her Benetton-multiculturalistic fantasies too far behind: Cue full print-on-print looks from Suno and Doro Olowu. Speaking of print: Stretching some Mary Katrantzou over and around would be pretty on point—and how insidery!

Finally, judging from these hysterical production pics posted on-line by the Daily Mail: Edina still loves her some Stella McCartney. But, understandably, you can only chase a superstar vegetarian designer around Paris so many times before being barred from shopping that designer's stores (especially considering said chase involved Edina being barefoot and having meat stuck in her hair).

And then there's Patsy Stone. Patsy always dressed more tastefully. She has a style and she sticks with it. Also, designer clothing is actually produced in her size (which never changes as she hasn't eaten since the '70s) so her garments fit. We can't imagine we won't be seeing her in more Chanel. We were also having some frayed-edge Lanvin suiting fantasies which haven't actually been confirmed but may be closer to reality thanks to those same Daily Mail shots. Otherwise—Givenchy and Tom Ford for sure. And fur and leather by Rick Owens. And maybe some shots of solid color courtesy of Jil Sander.

The point is—the clothes are always such a key player and a feast for the eyes. They, at least amongst those who follow fashion, inspire dialog and speculation and—of course—fantasies. Like: Holy hell, we wanna play in Eddy's closet (or at least in the, like, costuming trailer)!

(Or, for some of us, who will remain shameless—err, nameless—we want that stuff to be our own closets when we go in and play. Don't judge.)

Point is, we can't wait!

· Love, Frank [Racked]