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Episode 5: Someone Gets Laid (Not By His Wife), Then Beat Up (Also Not By His Wife)

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While last week's episode was concerned primarily with sex, murder, and fever dreams, this week's revolved around things less fantastical: mostly, office happenings. One of those happenings, however, involved a whorehouse, and another, an all-out brawl—so it wasn't just the usual brainstorm sessions and liquid lunches.

Last night's episode also focused on Pete's infidelity and his all-around jackassiness. Our opening scene is Pete, salivating over a PYT in flip-flops in the Driver's Ed class that he's now taking. He needs a license now because he lives in Connecticut, and, presumably, so that he can drive as far away from Trudy as possible.

Now that Lane's wife has returned to New York—and he no longer has a Playboy bunny mistress to keep him occupied—he's stuck doing the things she wants to do, like "bringing England over in pieces" by watching the World Cup at a pub. While there, Lane meets Edwin Baker, another expat who just so happens to work at Jaguar. He explains to Lane that they're looking to break into the U.S. market and need an agency. Ding ding!

At the traffic meeting, Lane announces that he has new business, while Don is busy doodling a noose on his notepad. Since Pete can't be happy for anyone, he tells Lane that he doesn't understand why he's smiling about the Jaguar account, because it's going to cost at least $3 million in billings and ten new staffers. Don tells him, "It's a car, and you know it," so there. Silenced by The Draper.

Peggy bumps into Ken at a restaurant nearby, and her feelings get hurt when he doesn't invite her to join him and his mystery male guest, who she assumes is a potential client. Apparently, these two have an office pact to stick together, and Peggy thinks Ken is breaking it. Actually, Ken is just schmoozing with someone from the publishing house Farrar Straus, because—surprise—he's a science fiction author now, and goes by the pen name Ben Hargrove.

After the traffic meeting, Don heads into his office and finds Megan typing at his desk, and they debate about whether or not they're going to go to the Campbell's for dinner this weekend. As it turns out, Pete and Trudy have been strategically scheming on how to get the Drapers over for dinner for years. Of course, back then it would have been Betty Draper instead of Megan Draper, but that's no matter. Pete bugs Don about it, and Trudy has already told Megan that Don has agreed. So, they're going.

At the Penthouse de Draper, Megan convinces Don to wear an ugly sportcoat, since they're going to the country. Pete and Trudy don't really live in the country—they live in Connecticut, because according to Don, the country is when you have to pee in an outhouse in the middle of winter. At the Campbell's, Megan has a serious problem remembering Ken's wife's name. It's Cynthia. Pete shows off his new stereo system. He says something so Pete, which is that he imagines a "tiny orchestra" is playing inside. Trudy requests, through Cynthia, that Pete turn down his tiny orchestra so they don't wake the baby—the same baby Pete has told her she's not allowed to talk about tonight.

Cynthia starts bragging to everyone what a great writer Ken Cosgrove/Ben Hargrove is. She explains that his story about a robot removing a bolt from a bridge and thus killing everyone on it basically pretold the recent sniper shootings. He is, after all, a science fiction writer, which inherently means he can see the future and retell it through robot stories.

And then: The faucet explodes. Pete runs to get his dinky toolbox and Don takes off his shirt and fixes it in about two minutes flat, completely emasculating Pete who's trying to find a wrench or a screwdriver or maybe just a piece of Scotch tape. Trudy rushes downstairs with the crying baby she's not even supposed to be talking about, let alone bringing out in public. On the drive home, Don tells Megan he wants to make a baby, and they have sex in the car.

In less successful sexy happenings: Pete is still trying to pick up the high school girl at Driver's Ed. She comes in and tells him she got wasted on vanilla extract last night. He reminds her that, now that she's sober, she has to find a Sunday where they can go to the Botanical Gardens together. Pete's parents, of course, donated money to it. But—a new boy walks in, and mistakes Pete for the instructor because of his suit and doofyness. The boy's name is Hanson, but everyone calls him Handsome because, well, he is.

At the office, Lane and Roger strategize on how best to go about landing the Jaguar account. Lane wants to take Baker out to dinner himself, and Roger explains his technique for wooing the clients. This includes ordering a Scotch and soda and exchanging "personal morsels" and deep dark secrets. Unfortunately, though, Baker has no deep dark secrets, and he isn't into personal morsels, so Lane falls flat. And by flat, we mean that Baker thinks he's a "homo."

Pete, Roger, and Don decide that they'll take Baker out for the next dinner. Baker explains that he really just wants to have fun, but they're already eating lobster and wearing silly bibs, so how much more fun can it get? Roger recommends a "party," which actually means "brothel." They go, and begin pairing off. A blonde comes up to Pete and asks if he thinks he could lift her, and then suggests they go drink rum in her room. While there, he explains to her that this isn't going to be easy. She pretends to be his wife but he's not interested. She pretends to be a virgin, but he's not interested in that either. She calls him her "king," and well, that's the one that did it.

Outside of the bedroom, Don has a drink at the bar. Is Don going to pair up with a prostitute? Nope. Instead, he has a conversation with the madam about whether or not she should put a TV in the living room. It's official: Don's a snooze, and he's not cheating on Megan anytime soon—so if you're holding your breath for that, don't.

In the cab on the way home, Pete says that riding with Don is like "riding with a nun." Obviously, Pete doesn't know that Don recently had a very un-nun-like car ride with Megan. Don tells Pete not to throw away everything that he has, which is Trudy, a baby, and a leaky faucet, and Pete tells him to wait until the honeymoon is over. He also points out that this is Don's second marriage, and who is he to tell him not to pay for sex. Don says that had he met Megan first, he wouldn't have ruined it.

Pete continues to piss everyone off back at the office. He's the one who told Roger that Ken is Ben, and Roger tells Ken that he has to put his science fiction double life on hold. At the partner's meeting, Burt is giving Roger a shoulder massage when Lane enters and tells everyone that Jaguar is out, because Baker's wife found out about the prostitutes. How? Because Baker had "chewing gum on his pubis." Dead giveaway. This is when Pete tells Lane that Baker thinks he's a "homo," and throws salt in the wound when he says that SCDP doesn't really need him anymore. Naturally, this leads to Lane taking off his jacket, rolling up his sleeves, and challenging Pete to some fisticuffs.

Pete gets a few punches in, and asks Lane if he wants some more, "Mr. Toad." Lane knocks him to the ground, and says: "Consider that my last piece of advice." After the fight, Lane goes into his office to lie down, and Joan enters. She knows what's happening, because she and Peggy were eavesdropping on the other side of the conference room wall. Lane gets emotional and debates whether or not he does have any value left and the company, and then kisses Joan. She gets up and opens the door so that he can't do it again, and when he apologizes, she explains: "About what? Everyone in this office has wanted to do that to Pete Campbell."

The episode ends with Pete watching Handsome slide his hand up the high school girl's skirt, and with Ken, who's writing a story about a "The Man With the Miniature Orchestra" in his room under a new pen name, Dave Algonquin.

And now, for what's up next week! Roger dangles an empty bottle, and Peggy smokes a cigarette. Don says, "Are you kidding me?," Peggy says, "Why are you doing this?," and Ginsberg says, "Well that's a disaster." That's about all we could pull out from twenty seconds of ambiguity, but feel free to decipher it for yourself here.

· All Mad Men Coverage [Racked]