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Last night marked the premier of one of the most important television shows of our time: E!'s What Would Ryan Lochte Do? The series follows many-medalled Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte as tackles life's many challenges and mysteries—such as what a wonton actually consists of, or the significance of his signature wink. Happily, in what can only be described as a Shoe Week miracle, the show's premier prominently featured RL's custom designed sneakers and his famously massive, 150-pair shoe closet. If you missed it, not to worry: We're here to share what we learned from Ryan Lochte—sage, swimmer, connoisseur.
· On designing a pair of custom sneakers: "These are my shoes that I designed from top to sole! From top to, um, shoelace." They're yellow and green; the sole of one says 'Ryan;" the sole of the other says 'Lochte.' It's like "Ryan Lochte just walking along."
· On his aesthetic, his style, what his line represents: "That Lochte Edge." When asked what exactly "that Lochte Edge" is he stares. "No one's ever asked that before."
· Things that the Lochte family does: Lochte Flag Football; Lochte Family Bowling; Lochte Movie Night.
· And, one of Ryan's favorite movies for Lochte Movie Night: What Women Want. "If I could read women's minds I would rule the world."
· He's not sure what a "douchebag" is—his pondering the term is spliced with images of his cars and a $200,000 watch.
· He doesn't actually know what "jeah" means.
· He doesn't always remember exactly how many medals he's won.
· He cries for the first time on camera: "This is like the first time I ever cried on camera."
· On the way he treats women; the way he parties: "I'm an angel."
· He pronounces 'especially' like there's an X in it.
· On what a girl looked like: "I remember what Megan looked like ? Blonde hair ? Great [gratuitous cleavage shot] ? Upper body."
· What are wontons? "Something crisp" with, like, "flakes."
· Does he have a favored eye for winking? Yes: "Whichever side the hot girl is on."
What we still didn't learn: A damn thing about the rumored Lochte apparel line. Maybe they're saving those nuggets for a future episode.