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You Can't Beat Them so Join Them: Looking Bad at Theme Parks

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Love, Frank has returned as a weekly style advice column. Addressing a different fashion glitch each week, he tackles all the hard-hitting issues. Submit your own query here.

Wet park goers, via Behind the Thrills.

Dear Frank,

I am going to an amusement park tomorrow—it's going to be warm but will rain nearly all day. What do I wear to stay dry and not look like a total mess?

Not Amused

Dear Not Amused,

This is sort of a free pass. The dregs of the dregs commune at theme parks, most often wearing the dregs of the dregs of their wardrobes.

Boo Boo hits the park, via Examiner.

And I say this as someone who loves an amusement park—both for the roller coasters and for the ridiculous assortment of people you run into. It's a true cross section of humanity. And they mostly look terrible!

A theme park is sort of ground zero for spotting men with free tee shirts rolled up over the arcs of their bellies and women with their underwear and way too much of their bodies hanging out in every direction. Meanwhile, their kids circle them shoeless and shirtless, faces covered in soft serve and cotton candy. I mean, you can still see fannypacks at these places.

People walk around amusement parks dripping wet from the log flume; drenched in sweat from the heat and the long lines; and sunburned from getting lost in the wild animal safari park. This is after they got mustard all over their undershirts (which aren't under anything) at the snack bar.

What I'm saying is—you probably shouldn't worry about it. If you put an inkling of thought into what you put on you'll be the best dressed person there.

A few suggestions, if you need them: Don't wear white, it's see-through when wet and you'll invariably sit in something. Don't dress too warmly because you're going to sweat. Unless you're one of those lucky people who can take a hat off after wearing it and remain in public, leave the hat at home. You'll either have to take it off (and look like a muskrat) to ride the roller coasters, or, worse, it'll fly off while on a roller coaster (and you'll look like a muskrat all day). Wear comfortable shoes you don't care much about. And, frankly, be prepared to be uncomfortable.

For your particular situation I'd go with cotton shorts (not denim, they never dry); and a tee or a tank under a light but semi-waterproof windbreaker or anorak. Something that you can scrunch up into your bag if you get too warm (you could also always buy a souvenir rain poncho emblazoned with cartoon characters, I guess). For shoes I feel like sandals are a crapshoot—so much filth and humanity. Maybe a canvas sneaker? Definitely not a flip flop unless you already have a tetanus shot scheduled.

Hope that helps! Enjoy your day at the park!

Got a style question for Frank? Leave it in the comments or email one in here. Then buckle your two-toned leather Moschino belts, folks, because it's going to be ? Something.
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