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Group Text Mathematics: Finding Social Harmony with Numbers

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Group texts can be really wonderful sometimes, like when finalizing plans between multiple parties or keeping far-away family connected. But most of the time they are a necessary evil of modern day friendship. Like when you're in a meeting at your grown up job while your phone non-stop buzzes as your fun-employed friends ravenously dissect the previous night out (a Tuesday. IT WAS A TUESDAY.) But we can all survive and even get along, if we all just stick to these numbers.

Three: The maximum number of group texts that should be in your life at one time.
If you're on more than that, consider de-friending entire groups of people IRL because no one has that many real friends worth the pain of being in multiple group texts.

Seven: Total number of friends you would kill for.
One group text shouldn't have more than three people, including yourself. Because even if you stick to the three group texts total, and there are at least three people in each, that's nine people minimum, minus yourself in each text. That's six friends. Do you really have six individuals in your life worth this misery?

Six friends at a cocktail party is fine. If this group was a cocktail party, there'd be cocktails, a way to escape, and no need for this list. Actually, addendum: always be drinking cocktails while group texting.

Zero: The number of off-topic comments.
If you're in a group text that's initiated in order to plan an event, the number of non-event-related text messages appropriate is zero. And once the event is over, the texts cease. Quit trying to relive the glory days. They're over.

Zero: Number of links in the group text.
Absolutely zero internet spamming allowed. Save Buzzfeed for Facebook.

One: The number of side exchanges allowed between two people within a group text.
You can insert exactly one conversational tidbit that isn't applicable to the whole group. The person that it was directed at can respond exactly once. No one-on-one convos that go on and on and on while the other members of the group text are held captive, looking desperately for a way out, but only finding darkness everywhere, all around.


Three: The number of apologies and/or excuses acceptable before leaving a group text.
Because no matter how mind-numbingly painful all those non-essential texts can be or how often your phone buzzes during naptime, if you're the jerk who jumps ship, you've mobile-ly bitch slapped every member of the group text in the face. And that's not cool. It's not fair, but it's not cool.