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Victoria's Secret Runway Show is about fantasy. It's about Taylor Swift. It's about pom-poms. It is definitely not about questioning items of clothing that could physically prevent a person from getting into bed being peddled as sexual fantasies. It's not about identifying exactly whose fantasy we're dealing with. But no matter! We rated each of the outfits that went down the runway today based on their socially acceptable wearability for normals. All in good fun:
A snake got in a fight with a Cleveland Browns lineman before Aunt Edna busted them up and decorated them both in her latest bead club creations. Wearability score? Three.
Aunt Edna's bead club got together with a local ten-year-old and magic happened. Wearability score? Four.
Not entirely sure what culture is being appropriated here, but VS's track record isn't good. Wearability score? Two.
One spike choker and some fallen angel wings? So we're punk rock now? Wearability score: six.
Choked by a furry necklace, what a way to go. Wearability score? Zero 'cause you're dead.
Jourdan Dunn can do no wrong but sometimes her fashion fairy godmother got a little excited with this one. Wearability score? Five.
Pretty normal bra and panty set. Just a few points docked for the collarbone growth. Wearability score? Eight.
Appropriate skirt for a high school dance, no? This is what the kids are wearing these days, right? What if the cool aunt is buying? Then yes? Wearability score: IDK like six?
What a friendly skirt! It's basically winking at us and inviting us in for tea! Wearability score? Ten.
DON'T LOOK BEHIND YOU NOW BUT THERE ARE PINK FLUFFY PODS FOLLOWING YOU. THIS MIGHT BE A SIGN OF THE END TIMES, BUT WE'LL HAVE TO DO SOME TESTING TO BE SURE. JUST SIT TIGHT AND STAY CALM. Wearability score: About two.
Killing it, Karlie. Wearability score? Four.
Basically a nighty? Cute? Cute. Wearability score: ten.
There's a joke about de-flowering and re-flowering here. Wearability score? Six.
We'll take like 12 of these to make up for all the others. Wearability score? Ten.
Little Bo Peep's play date with a stripper ended poorly because it created this. Wearability score? Five.
Finally! Something for the oil tycoon's wife to wear between the hours of 1:00am and 2:00pm! Wearability score? Seven.
And the railroad tycoon's wife too! Wearability score? Seven.
The mullet dress, with extra business in the front. Wearability score? Four.
Getting squeezed around the middle by a bright, sparkly thing can't be so bad? Wearability score: two.
Attempts at edgy shouldn't be trimmed in fluff. Wearability score? Four.
For derivative Balmain, the feathery thing doesn't look too terrible. Eccentric cousins everywhere are already dialing in. Wearability score? Six.
Giant elbow ruffles threatening to swallow us all whole. Get back. Get back. Wearability score? Seven.
Barnacles. Wearability score? Three.
Yaaaaaas lace-ups yaaaaaas. Wearability score: Two.
Ruffle vaginas and pinky rings. Wearability score? Five.
Basically your normal, average Corinthian column. Wearability score? Seven.
Pretty standard lingerie! Wearability score? Ten.
The off-the-shoulder touch was necessary. Wearability score? Seven.
FernGully got to this one, bless its heart. Wearability score? Two.
They've done it! Victoria's Secret made the tiiiiiiiniest petticoat! Wearability score? Four, unless you're a doll, in which case ten!
That alligator is trying to eat the dragonfly. Halp. Wearability score? Two.
Oh hell no to those pockets. Wearability score? Never.
Wearability score? One. You know what you did, pom-poms.
We were all preteens in 2002 once. Wearability score? Six.
PANTS. Wearability score: Ten.
The first time a turtleneck walked down this particular runway. Wearability score: Seven.
Go, make Sporty Spice proud. Wearability score? Eight.
MORE PANTS. Wearability score? Nine!
Lisa Frank made a rain coat a) it would look like this and b) they would sell like hot cakes. Wearability score? Eight.
The Clown Matador, coming to a public access station near you. Wearability score? Six.
Gee whiz, FernGully, I said not now! Wearability score? Four.
A little literal. Wearability score? Two.
Normal lingerie with bonus choker! Wearability score? Nine.
The Caboodle exploded again. Wearability score? Four.
Normal VS fare. Wearability score? Sure, why not.
Ah, yes. The Transformer got into the design studio again. Pesky things. Wearability score: You must be joking.