Nasty Gal "Leg Up Chain", $12.60 (was $18.00)">

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We've Seen the Apocalypse, and It's Wearing a Thigh Chain

<a href="http://www.nastygal.com/product/a-leg-up-chain">Nasty Gal "Leg Up Chain"</a>, $12.60 (was $18.00)
Nasty Gal "Leg Up Chain", $12.60 (was $18.00)

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No jewelry is really necessary, but if we were to rank Nasty Gal's thigh chain out of all adornments, we'd say that it's most likely to actually lower your standard of living. It's several steps below the toe ring. Several.

We've itemized the most confusing features in a list below, but one caveat before we jump in: We think that, in general, the body jewelry trend is pretty alright. Whether it's done tastefully or not, it doesn't really matter. It can look really cute or trashy in a fun way. And anyway, whatever, you're probably wearing more terrible things to that music festival. That said, this thigh chain, man. This thing.

1. The little clip that connects the structure to the cut-off jorts*** is so clinical. Like you forgot to take the spit bib off at the dentist. Also your dentist is confused about what his or her job is. The bib doesn't go there.

2. The product description states in full: "Take your outfit up a few hundred notches with this mega sexy leg chain. Features super slinky chains and clip. Just attach it to your cutoffs, skirt, dress—whatever, and get ready to break some hearts."

But it seems like most dudes would either judge silently or say something like, "I think you have several long, shiny hairs on your leg? Here. Let me brush it off for you." And then he goes to brush off the hairs and just as his fingertips touch that part of the leg right above the knee— OH MY GOD I TOTALLY GET IT NOW.

3. Does it feel like you're walking into spider webs? Does it, Gwen?

4. Do you really want to deal with the multitude of people in your life (your dad? the mailman? God, even the barista?) who'll insist on asking, "Hey, if you unclip that, will your leg fall off?"

5. There has to be a thigh-size gap here. Taps out at a 6.5 inches diameter.

6. What happens when you have to pee? Do you have to take it off, or do you let it drag along the bathroom floor when you pull your jorts down?

Worst case scenario after reading this list: You decide that you've done more terrible things for less that $12 and you purchase this chain. Best case: This is stuck in your head.

***If you choose to wear this chain, you are a person who only wears cut-off jorts. No exceptions.

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