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Crucial Update

We Need to Talk About Your Laptop

Photo: Shutterstock
Photo: Shutterstock

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from: Carl [REDACTED]
to: Becky [REDACTED]
date: Thurs, Jan 28, 2015 at 3:08 PM
subject: Your laptop :(

Hi Becky, The state of your laptop was brought to our attention by a number of concerned coworkers. We submitted the equipment in question for lab testing to determine the gravity of the situation, and have found it very, very serious indeed. As discussed in our company-wide meeting on Tuesday, "just because going out for lunch is passé, it doesn't mean using your keyboard as a picnic blanket is okay." Hope the report attached below really eats away at you ha ha ha. Seriously, though, this is no joking matter.
Carl from HR
LAB RESULTS #1837290
Trace evidence of following items were found in Becky [REDACTED]'s keyboard:

Remnants from three different coffee spills

Hoagies, lots of hoagies

Toast crumbs that tested positive for avocado and organic egg yolk. Further analysis shows the egg most likely came from a free-range farm right outside Columbus, Ohio.

63 strands of mild contagions

4 strands of potentially deadly contagions

Pepper flakes, the small artisanal ones

Several globules of yogurt, which we're going to guess is Yoplait based on how you're always laughing into the light

Goat blood

A thin layer of spinach and kale smoothie

Small scraps of red velvet donut

One thousand tears

Gwyneth Paltrow-approved sex bark

Peanut butter finger prints


Dog hair. No. Cat hair. No. Hamster hair? Hamster hair.

All the trappings of a really great burrito. No salsa, though. Interesting choice. We're not here to judge, but you should know that spice is literally the spice of life.

Flecks from roughly seven almonds

Oh wait, like 20 more almonds

An infestation of heretofore unregistered species of arachnids clustered between the "Q" and tab key

Bits of ham

That weird ginger juice that comes with sushi?

Off-brand Cheetos dust

Tomato soup from that cute place on the corner, you know, the one with the pictures of famous people who ate there on the wall

At least 24 Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwiches

Enough makeup particles to open a Sephora for ants

Recommendations: Due to seven to ten health code violations, keyboard should be safely disposed of. A new laptop will be issued from corporate. In the meantime, please go outside, Becky. Possibly even for lunch.