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When the news broke yesterday that Netflix granted a run of four 90-minute episodes of Gilmore Girls, I started crying on public transportation. I grew up wanting to be Rory Gilmore, the Gogol-reading girl genius, so much that I started talking with her signature lisp (I still can't shake it). In college, I kept the DVDs of every season of the show neatly arranged on my shelf, chucking actual textbooks under my bed. Since the entire series came to Netflix last October (as in 12 months ago), I've re-watched the whole thing three times. Plus, I'm still looking for investors for my Gilmore Girls sports bar. Here are my dream plotlines for the new season of Gilmore Girls.
Rory takes a job at TMZ.com.
Stars Hollow's golden girl Rory Gilmore, her of the skin like a baby's ass, her of the Chilton valedictorianship, her of the smoking hot boyfriend, her of the Ivy League or bust, her of the job on the Obama campaign immediately out of college, has always displayed little hubris. She wanted more than anything to be Christiane Amanpour, but it'll mean everything to the viewers if she ended up a little more Giuliana Rancic. Rory takes the job hoping to do a Gonzo-style exposé on celebrity worship and excess, but instead she ends up liking the cushy lifestyle she and Jess (yes, Jess. Of course, Jess.) end up leading.
Lorelai franchises the Dragonfly Inn.
Lorelai becomes a wealthy woman and her life — filled with fine food, polished brass, and people running around in uniforms — begins to resemble that of her mother's. Lorelai tried to avoid a life of leisure for as long as she could and ultimately regrets making her first million off "Norman Mailer Drank Here" commemorative iced tea spoons. Combined with the fortune Luke, her longtime boyfriend, made from expanding Luke's Diner into an artisan dry goods line (pancake mix, mac and cheese mix, and the like), she finds herself outgrowing her big new house. She tries to quit coffee and takes up vaping instead. She and Luke move back to the shed she lived in with Rory when she was just sixteen, inspired by the movie Tiny House she saw on Netflix. She makes it one night; Luke kind of likes it. She goes back to coffee
Emily Gilmore has a new lover.
Because of the sad passing of Edward Herrmann last year, Emily Gilmore will presumably be widowed on the new season of the show. But the lady's got legs and a dry wit (she always was funnier than Lorelai), and she won't be lonely for long (even if she can't keep a maid). We know this person. Maybe it's Taylor Doose (It's probably not Taylor Doose). Maybe it's Max Medina. Maaaaax Medina. It's Tom, Lorelai's contractor at the Dragonfly Inn. Emily's always put on airs, but salt-of-the-earth Tom, a distinguished older gentleman in his own right, will be able to rattle a few of her screws loose. That's a bawdy contracting joke!
Lane is a judge on The Voice.
At the end of season seven, Lane's husband Zach left his doting wife and his two sons Steve and Kwan to go on tour. This is objectively the worst editorial decision ever made in the history of this show (besides allowing Rory to date that bore Dean for so long). Ten years later, the boys are mostly grown, and Lane embarked on her own, more successful career. She still uses embarrassing exclamations like "Rock and roll!" but she's a bonafide success and lends her expertise to a group of young prodigies on The Voice, along the way entering into a bitter feud with Shakira. The producers of The Voice trot Mama Kim out every so often for her colorful observations on the contestants' lack of talent. Despite her best friend's international fame, Rory still pays very little attention to her unless it's convenient as a plot point.
Dr. Paris Gellar fronts a terrifying cult.
Charismatic, intense, psychotic Paris Gellar never had many friends at Chilton or Yale. But at med school, she found her people. People who were just like her, but slightly less megalomaniacal. Paris began self-publishing research on way to counteract the human need to take twenty breaths per minute, and as a result was considered by her devotees to be otherworldly. Dr. Gellar has no time for New Age-y bullshit, but understands the political and spending power of the Hollyweird Lollypop Heads named Muffy and Trixie (or some other hyper-specific insult) that donate to her cause. She's looking into some off-shore properties to invest in.
Jackson incites the legendary wrath of the slow food community.
While his wife Sookie is off at Le Cordon Bleu (read: being Melissa McCarthy, the most famous woman alive), committed farmer Jackson tries to make friends within a local slow food community. When seen feeding his pre-teen children, Martha and Davey, sketchy, out-of-season pomegranate that his brother traveling the Himalayas sent the family, he's kicked out of the chapter and temporarily becomes a Big Food flunkie. When Sookie Skypes in on a Very Special Episode, she gives him the confidence he needs to tell those granola-crunchers off for good.
Kirk replaces Taylor as Town Selectman.
As Taylor Doose ages into his golden twilight, he makes some notable additions to the town. He discovers a Revolutionary War battlefield (the town later finds that it was the location of a mass orgy of a sect of hippies collectively calling themselves the Revolutionary War in 1969) and founds a senior aquatic center (it's just a lake with aged lifeguards to give the old people something to do). He must eventually give up his post, he realizes, when his health starts to fail him (he gets a cavity in his left molar). He implores the long-suffering Luke Danes to run for Town Selectman and out of some ancient well of respect for his elder, Luke does. He eventually concedes the race to Kirk, giving a Taylor an actual heart attack. He survives; Kirk accidentally annexes the entire town of Stars Hollow to Groton.
Rory's half-sister Gigi changes her last name to Gilmore.
The biggest revelation I ever had while watching Gilmore Girls was "Hey, maybe Emily is a Gilmore girl too!" The same might happen for Gigi, Christopher's daughter, Rory's half-sister, and Lorelai's stepdaughter for approximately 30 seconds. Gigi, scorned by truly awful parents, becomes a punk rock teenager, runs away from home, and finds herself on Rory's doorstep. Rory has obviously never had to deal with any real responsibility in her entire life, so she takes her over to Lorelai's (she's still living in the tiny house in this episode). The Gilmore Girls rear Gigi while Christopher waits in the wings, talking about vague business transactions and eighties references I don't understand. On her sixteenth birthday — the same age Lorelai was when she had Rory — she asks if Lorelai will adopt her.
Jess becomes a Montessori preschool teacher.
The world's hottest 17-year-old bad boy is all about radical pedagogy, wearing enormous pairs of jeans, and underlining select passages in stolen copies of Allen Ginsberg's HOWL. That's why, after he's done a little growing up on his own ill-fated spinoff show (I mean finding himself in California and Philly), he decides to devote his life to changing the lives of sniveling little kids. Rory is the breadwinner. He refuses to read Elena Ferrante's Neapolitan Novels.
Of a broken heart. Off screen. Funeral poorly attended.