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Everyone knows that the holidays are a time for near-constant eating, excessive drinking, and futile attempts at merriment. But this holiday season, I propose an additional activity, one that is actually good for you: call your look.
This summer, I launched "I Call This Look," a series on Medium where I came up with satirical identities for my outfits. It was an exploration of fashion, performance, and personality, one that inspired many people to post looks of their own. Luckily, the holidays are a perfect time for you to channel your drunk aunt Susie who always fucks up the Buche de Noel.
So, when you are about to head out to yet another Christmas mingle, snap a selfie, and think of the woman (fictional or otherwise) whose story you’re carrying with you that night. It’s not just fun — it’s also better than being yourself.
I Call This Look: Angela, the receptionist who is totally going to CRUSH Pat Benatar’s "Love is a Battlefield" at the office karaoke party
Angela is at least 15 years older than all of her coworkers at SpuZing, a reusable bag company where she temps at the front desk three days a week. They are looking for someone more permanent who is a better "culture fit." Truth be told, she doesn’t really care because she hates most of the entitled little dipshits she greets each morning with a fake smile. But she’s willing to put that aside for a night of karaoke, where she'll wow them with her inspired take on a classic — the same one that almost got her to the second round of American Idol five years ago.
I Call This Look: Stephanie, your teen cousin who will tell your uncle to "go fuck himself" when he asks her to take off her hat at the dinner table
Stephanie arrives to the family Xmas Eve dinner high on a mixture of marijuana and Mountain Dew. She hates her family, even more so than usual because she already knows no one got her the new Xbox controller as a present. She will pick at her ham, wonder why all her relatives are so ugly, and ultimately storm off after her dad gets on her case. She will bring her backpack, pretending to run away, but really only circle the block for 30 minutes before sneaking back in through the garage.
I Call This Look: Serena, the hungover fashion "mogul" forcing her assistant to bring her a large almond milk latte in bed
Serena is so annoyed with her personal assistant Liam, who did not adequately hydrate her at the holiday dinner with their clients. She told him to bring her a seltzer in between every martini, and clearly he didn’t, because she feels like "total garbage" this morning. At 7am she texts him to bring her some "bevies" STAT because they have a 9am in Malibu and these scarves from Guatemala aren’t going to knit themselves.
I Call This Look: Toni, the hot divorcee from the legal department that goes home with the college kid who is passing hors d'oeuvres
Toni is known to litigate like a motherfucker so it’s not surprise that her black jumpsuit kills it. "And did you see that necklace?" the marketing assistant will ask her unamused boyfriend (who only showed up to this holiday party thanks to her promise of pigs in a blanket). A rumor will circulate on Monday that Toni’s chain necklace (which is maybe solid 24 karat gold?) was found Monday morning broken in the break room where the caterers set up shop.