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Crucial Update

The Poetry of The Bachelor's ‘Getting to Know You' Q&A

Craig Sjodin/Getty Images

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Today is the greatest day of the year, not only because we're precisely in the throes of peak cookie-eating and zero-exercising season, nor because Kate Middleton debuted what's probably her shortest haircut ever. Today is the greatest day of the year because ABC has finally released the cast photos and biographies of each of Ben Higgins' 28 contestants on The Bachelor, therefore giving the world enough of a taste at all the gimmicky introductions and producer-manipulated makeout seshes to hold us over until Season 20 premieres next month.

But better than the photos, the short bios, and the ludicrous job titles are the answers to the questions that ABC poses to each of the bachelorettes. These can range from the mundane ("Who would you trade places with for a day?") to the downright insulting (asking a 23-year-old if she "has a fear of aging"). But what they have in common is this: Every answer is an absolute work of poetry. Below, the best of this season's bunch.

There's Breanne, a 30-year-old nutritional therapist with the best favorite book ever:

What is your favorite all-time book and why?
Why Men Love Bitches. I know the title is hilarious, but it's all about valuing yourself and letting the man pursue you.

And Caila, a 24-year-old software sales rep once dated the weirdest dude in history:

I hate it when my date...
Gets so cheesy that it seems fake, like, 'Here is a leaf on a bush we passed on our first date because I'm a romantic guy.'

25-year-old small business owner Jennifer wants to be a dolphin (wink wink):

If you could be any animal, which one and why?
Dolphin! They are beautiful, intelligent and are the only mammals to have sex for pleasure!

"A dolphin" sounds a lot more fun than Mandi, a 28-year-old dentist's answer to the same question:

If you could be any animal, which one would you be and why?
A free-range chicken, because they do whatever they want and lay delicious eggs.

Meanwhile, unemployed Rachel does not seem to know what animals are:

If you could be any animal, which one and why?
Cookie Monster, because I'm a sucker for good cookies.

Leah, an event planner, hates dating, which does not bode well for her future on a reality show that is literally only about dating:

Where do you meet guys?
I don't!!! Bars are terrible. The gym is terrible. Online dating... no thanks!

This answer from professional twin Emily started out cute...

If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why?
My sister!

...until her twin sister, who is also a contestant on the Bachelor, answered the same question:

If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why?
Taylor Swift, because she's a classy gal! I love everything about her and all that she does.

This answer from bartender Amber, 30, was unprompted — but us too, Amber, us too:

If I never got to see my friends/family, I would be very sad.

Lace, a 25-year-old real estate agent came in hot with the poop jokes:

What is your most embarrassing moment?
When I had a guy I liked over for drinks and I forgot I pooped before he came over and he used my bathroom and saw it. We couldn't even talk we were laughing so hard!

As did Lauren (who has to go by "LB," since there are three Laurens this season), a fashion buyer:

What is your most embarrassing moment?
Seeing a doctor for constipation in Germany. My ex had to translate every detail!

Lauren R. asks the world to envision a pizza party with Michaelangelo, Justin Timberlake, and Jesus:

Lunch with three people, dead or alive, and what would you order?
Jesus, Michelangelo (just saw many of his paintings in Rome...what a talented weirdo), and Justin Timberlake. It'd be quite the trio! I'd order pizza.

Amanda, 25 and Jami, 23, were the two contestants who were asked about their "fear of aging," though they have very different philosophies:

Amanda: Yes, I use an anti-aging skincare line, always wear sunscreen and get botox.

Jami: Nope. I think wrinkles just show how much you've lived.

Maegan, a 30-year-old cowgirl, seems to use the same technique wrangling animals as she does with dudes:

If you wanted to approach a man you had never met before, how would you go about it?
Shoot, I do this all the time! It's called you walk and ask the guy a question. It's not rocket science. PS - Ass grabbing always works great!"

Then there's this work of art from Isabel ("Izzy"), a 24-year-old graphic designer, who refuses to be shamed by all you nerds:

What is your all-time favorite book and why?
Honestly, I don't love to read, but I did enjoy reading the first 150 pages or
50 Shades of Grey. Then I just saw the movie.

And finally, albeit rather expectedly, Tiara, a 26-year-old whose actual profession according to the show is "chicken enthusiast," had the best answer of all:

What is your guiltiest pleasure of any kind?
Chickens. If I see chickens anywhere, I want to stop and hold them.

Things we know about this season of The Bachelor based on the contestants' interview questions alone: At least one Lauren will be sent home on the first night for logistical purposes, and the two chicken enthusiasts are totally going to hook up.