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Pharrell Williams Girl
Surprisingly, Girl was the only remotely A-list fragrance in stock at Sephora. Their inventory is almost exclusively designer, but apparently they make exceptions for ageless creative multi-hyphenates. I found the scent a little blank and bleachy, but since it's billed as unisex, I asked my boyfriend—who graciously tagged along, because feminism—for a second opinion. He inhaled deeply. "This smells like when they clean the pool at Pharrell's mansion." When I asked him to elaborate, he added that there were notes of "It's crowded in here" and "Can we leave?"
Jessica Simpson Signature
When I got to Macy's, I asked a sales associate where they were "hiding the good shit." She sighed like someone who'd lost her lover during the Civil War. "We had some Rihanna for a while, but it sold out." In the end, all she could cough up was a business card splashed with Jessica Simpson's latest. The bottle is a glowing vessel with gold feather hardware, and it smells like buying your own birthday cake: sugary, poignant, and overpriced.
Just Me by Paris Hilton
I begged a man at Perfume Heaven (a sad but well-stocked fragrance kiosk in the Manhattan Mall) for a hit of J.Lo Miami Glow or a puff of EvAmour by Eva Longoria, but unless I agreed to buy something, all he'd give me was a spray of a shopworn bottle of Just Me. The bottle is pink and basic, the scent powdery and forgettable; while I was not moved to purchase, the fragrance seemed on-brand for Ms. Hilton.
You & I by One Direction
I found a single sticky rollerball of this scent lurking in a corner of JCPenney. There were no testers, so I could only huff the lid in the name of journalism. The full-size bottle of You & I is a jagged shard of lilac glass, perfect for carving Harry or Zayn's name into your arm! Its contents are a dead ringer for the fruity sticky-sweetness of Victoria's Secret Love Spell, my signature scent in seventh grade.
Beyoncé Heat Wild Orchid
I was delighted to find that KMart has a huge selection of celebrity scents. It should be noted that most perfumes—celebrity and otherwise—come with the warning AVOID CONTACT WITH EYES. Sadly, spraying yourself directly in the fucking face is the only way to interact with fragrances there because the testers are glued to the shelves. I MacGyvered some test strips from a cast-off Jaclyn Smith shoebox and sampled what I could. The name of Queen B's scent is entirely apt, as it can only be described as a very sweaty floral.
Adam Levine for Her
Adam Levine, singer? Fine. Adam Levine, fashion designer? Sure. (An astonishing amount of floor space at KMart is devoted to his eponymous clothing line.) Adam Levine, PARFUMEUR? Why the hell not. With a metal top that mimics the mesh of a microphone, Adam Levine for Her is a warm vanilla scent with undertones of that shameful feeling that you'd probably hit it if given the chance. I'd wear it. I think? I don't know.
Taylor Swift Wonderstruck
After pounding all the aforementioned scents, I started to get jittery. My nose was fatigued, my logic dissolving. I found myself reasoning that if scent is tied to memory, and I want memories with Taylor Swift, I should shell out $32 for one fluid ounce of Taylor Swift Wonderstruck, aka liquid friendship. So, I did just that. In fact, I broke down and bought three overpriced celebrity fragrances after being frustrated that there was no other way to smell them. Wonderstruck was the most disappointing, as it smelled less like perfume and more like hairspray. Even the $6 bottle of Wonderful (a knock-off "impression" of Wonderstruck) had more staying power.
The Key by Justin Bieber
I know what you're thinking: THE KEY...TO WHAT? A quick Google search revealed a high-gloss short film for the fragrance starring Justin and a bunch of models. Turns out, the titular key isn't to their hearts. It's to their hotel rooms that he breaks into while they're sleeping. Seriously. The perfume is light and girly, it reminded me of grape cotton candy.
Kim Kardashian True Reflection
Kim's site describes True Reflection as "an important component to her accomplished portfolio," and that's exactly how it feels. Kim owed us a fragrance, so she whipped up this one. It's pretty and springy, but impersonal. Since returning it wasn't an option, I wore True Reflection on a date later that night. I asked my boyfriend if I smelled like "an evolving icon" as per the box's elaborate description. He shrugged. "It's nice? It's perfume." Fair enough.