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A Petition to Ban Brunch Forever

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Photo: Shutterstock
Photo: Shutterstock

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LETTER TO: The Brunch Mafia

Everyone claims to love brunch, but my pride won't allow the charade to go on: It's the worst, and everyone knows this to be true in their heart of hearts. Getting together with people you haven't seen all week to eat soft, pillowy eggs in a leisurely manner? Does anyone really enjoy that?

That's not even the most terrible part! Take the timing. You can eat brunch pretty much any time of day until 4pm. And restaurants generally don't rush you, so your meal can last for hours. Wasting an entire noontime period casually consuming butter-based comfort food while chatting with those who love me? Why would you drag me out of bed for that? Can't we wait until the sun falls, when we can convene somewhere deafening to watch strangers dance at each other?

And the unlimited coffee. I mean. Everyone hates bottomless cups of a rich, legal stimulant that smells like nuts and window-filtered sunlight. We're all just too afraid of the Brunch Mafia to admit it.

Plus, the Bloody Mary–that big glass of alcoholic vitamins that haunts brunch tables everywhere. Nothing makes me madder than a vodka-soaked celery stick. You think you're better than me?

And do not get me started on huevos rancheros. Only one person in the group wants Mexican food, and we're not at a Mexican restaurant or anything, but they still get to have it? What is this, kindergarten? Please. We are adults. Eat what your friends are eating.

But the worst two things about brunch are definitely the wait times and the total lack of variety. It's like, you get to the restaurant and there's an hour wait! To eat eggs Benedict! And every other restaurant on the block is serving the same damn menu! So many places within walking distance of each other, all of them serving the exact same thing, and some of them have really long, stressful wait times and some of them have no wait times at all. Too bad there's no simple solution to these problems. The only solution is to come together and petition to ban brunch forever. BAN BRUNCH BAN BRUNCH BAN BRUNCH.