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Crucial Update

Dear Kanye: An Advice Column for Our Times

New, 1 comment

Kanye lives to advise, so live by Kanye's advice.

Photo: Getty Images
Photo: Getty Images

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Dear Kanye,

My family moved recently and now I don't know anyone at my new high school. I'm really shy and am having a hard time making new friends. I even eat my lunch in the girl's bathroom because I'm too scared to ask to sit with anyone. What should I do?

Lonely in Los Alamos

Dear Lonely Llama,

Eating your food in the bathroom? Whaaaaaat? My bathroom is Carrera marble and I wouldn't eat my apple slices and peanut butter off of THAT. Stop eating your food where you poop and maybe Stacy or some shit will give you a seat.

‘Ye

***

Dear Kanye,

My girlfriend says all the time that I should be honest with her if she looks good or bad in an outfit. She wears this one dress out all the time that just does not flatter her, but I don't want to tell her because I feel like she'll get mad.  But I feel like she'd also be mad at me if I didn't say anything. What should I do?

Damned If I Do, Damned If I Don't in Detroit

Dear Daaaaaaamn,

I feel for you, I really do. I don't think I can give you any advice on this because I am married to the perfect human body. Givenchy fits her seat like a Ferrari/ Sahhhhhry, slipped into a rhyme there/ I don't care/ If you had my girl you'd be squintin' from the glare....of her trunk. Ha ha.

Westest is the Bestest

***

Dear Kanye

My friend and I keep debating about which album is better, The White Album or Dark Side of the Moon. What do you think?

Debating in Des Moines

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANN?

YEEZUS WATCH THE THRONE MY BEAUTIFUL DARK TWISTED FANTASY 808s AND HEARTBREAK GRADUATION LATE REGISTRATION COLLEGE DROPOUT KANYE WEST PS MY MOTHER HATES YOU FROM THE GRAVE FOR EVEN ASKING ME THAT QUEstion shit my caps was on, my bad. Cat ran over my keyboard. That's on you Jellybean.

***

Dear Kanye,

I'm under 5'5''. Do you think I can pull off capri pants?

Stumped in Seattle

Dear Coffee Place Person,

LISTEN. Only person who should be able to wear capri pants is Russell Simmons. That's it. Find another pant. Sometimes dreams don't come true. Mine always do, but you're not me. You're not Picasso, Michael Jackson, Steve Jobs, Gandhi, Martha Stewart, and Lebron James all in one. You know? That's me. THAT'S ME.

Kanye

***

Dear Kanye,

My mother is on life support and has been for some time. My father wants to keep her on a respirator, but I had many discussions with my mother prior to this where she said she would never want to be kept alive artificially. I know my father loves my mother dearly and doesn't want to let her go, but I don't think we're respecting her wishes. What should I do?

Wondering in Wisconsin

Dear Wondering,

North wants to answer this one and, as a father of a genius, you know I have to foster that. So go on, drop some knowledge, Nori:

csJSFHVS,;anldvdsnodidvsm;a;;ETV 222Iaszb;LDEAFMCYAbsjdvea;'[;s'['ppjhw;'  R RAWH;;hf;usagc

Feel blessed, Wondering. It's like you just got advice from a small Jesus.

Kanye and North

***

Dear Kanye,

I've always wondered: What's your favorite animal?

Kelsey in Kentucky

Dear Kelsey,

Lions tiger bears. EAGLES. Penguins. I mean, you think about it and penguins are the best dressed animals. Classic black-and-white. Crisp. Yeah. Penguins. I mean yeah I know, I know, peacocks too. I KNEW THAT but penguins. That's it.  Stop getting in my face Kelsey damn.

Kanye

Aisling Quinn is a writer and actress who frequents the glamorous bus route between Boston and New York City. Follow @obviouschild for what her Mom raves are "jokes I don't get."