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Crucial Update

Kate Middleton's Pregnancy as Told Through Histrionic Tabloid Covers

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The birth of Kate Middleton's second child is quickly approaching on the tailwinds of a dying monarchical relevance, and our trusty American and British tabloids have covered it every step of the way — even and especially before there was a baby to cover. The official announcement that a spare heir was cooking went down September 8 — more royal baby facts here! — but sometimes the fan fiction version is more fun.

May 21, 2014

It's hard to pick a place to start because Kate has functionally been pregnant since Prince George was safely home in his crib-throne. But this OK cover is notable because William is the one who not only revealed that's she's packing a new royal, but it's TWIN GIRLS. The twin baby fantasy persisted for most of the summer. Also, they know exactly how much pregnancy weight she's gained. Exactly.

June 6, 2014

The the real estate dedicated to Kate is tiny here, but it's so, so good: "BUM GATE 'Kate is no better than Miley!'" That's referring to the time wind blew Kate's skirt up in Australia and a few publications printed it because everything is awful.

But this fresh peek at the Duchess's underthings allowed Now (Gossip Gets Glamorous) to consult a rumpologist. What's a rumpologist? Well: "Rumpologist Sam Amos tells the future from looking at bums instead of palms. She says Kate's round bottom means she's patient but also a daredevil who likes to have fun. She won't take herself too seriously, but she does take her job very seriously.

'I can also see a big line on her right bum cheek, which indicates that she'll have a baby girl next January or February.'"


June 21, 2014

"Palace Confirms" twins this time!

July 1, 2014

Oh man, stuff is messed up between Kate and the Queen. One random source says that "She [the Queen] feels very embarrassed by Kate. She feels like she still acts like a commoner." Also! "She's shocked about Kate's overspending. She thinks it doesn't make Kate or the royals look good to be splashing out millions on redecoration." So she's a peasant, but spends too much. Everyone knows a gawdy peasant is the worst kind of peasant. But no matter! Because Kate is hightailing it out of there.

August 4, 2014


August 25, 2014

Once more with feeling: Queen drama.

October 30, 2014

TWINS AGAIN. THIS TIME FORREAL THO. Here's a special moment between the lovebirds that never happened, maybe, as retold by an unspecified someone: "Will said Kate's mouth dropped open and her eyes almost popped out of her head, then she squealed, ‘Oh my God!' He'll never forget the look on her face—it must have been priceless!"

November 30, 2014

IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU KATE. SOMETIMES IT ABOUT EVIL CAMILLA. But still, Kate was mad, mad, mad and took a moment to get into or out of a car.

December 15, 2014

Not twins now, but just a girl. It's just a girl whose dumb name made the Queen cry. (It's probably "Arrow" or "Slope Is Rise Over Run Cambridge" or something dumb.)

February 4, 2014

Jokes! The baby girl's name shall be DIANA and the Queen is TOTALLY COOL WITH IT. Here's OK upping the game with an ultrasound straight from the palace. Plus, a random insider, who is probably a corgi, said "Kate and William found out they were expecting a girl during the 21-week scan, and since then, everyone's been asking what they plan to name her."

He/she/corgi continues, "They decided then and there that no matter what anyone said, they were sticking to naming their baby girl after her late grandmother." The Queen (remember that they're forever feuding) is okay with that decision though: "She told him that while she knows she had her issues with Diana in the past, she couldn't deny that she was an amazing mother."

March 9, 2015

But...this...this is the same cover...from August?

March 9, 2015

Prince William actually left on a jet and flew to Japan that day. Also, what the hell did they do to Bruce Jenner?

March 20, 2015

Kate already has the baby. We missed it. It was WILD, you shoulda been there. But you were doing something else like your office job or making a smoothie or sleeping.

Before we go, here are some superlatives for these publication's royal womb coverage because the work that they made up deserves some recognition: The Globe is Most All-Around Heinous. The Star is the Most Liberal With Their Palace Seals of Approval. Life & Style is Biggest Royal Shit-Stirrer. And, last but not last, OK Magazine is Most Exploitive of the Tunnel Straight into Prince William's Soul.