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Crucial Update

If Oblivious Americans Could Name Britain's New Princess

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Americans everywhere (everywhere!) are psyched that Britain's newest princess was born May 2 at 8:24am London time. While I waited for the formal introduction, I batted around a few names that I think really encompass the country she's about to rule. Well, she'll rule after Charles. And William. Also, George. And Parliament. But anyway, there's a lot of good stuff here, Kate Middleton. Take notes.

Don't be fooled by the crown. This is not the actual princess. Photo: Shutterstock/SDJ
Don't be fooled by the crown. This is not the actual princess. Photo: Shutterstock/SDJ

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Princess Elizabeth the Millionth

Princess Khaleesi

Princess Penelope

Princess Poppins

Princess Pride

Princess Prejudice

Princess Huffy von Petticoat

Princess Button Nose

Princess Lily White

Princess Decorative Hat

Princess Poppy Harper Beatrice

Princess Curtsy

Princess Tiara Tea Time

Princess Victoria Becks

Princess Garage (fancy because they pronounce it "Gare-idge")

Princess Bridget Jones

Princess Chunnel

Princess Top Shop

Princess Madonna's Fake English Accent

Princess Tuffet

Princess Crumpet

Princess Daaaaaaisy (You're royally obligated to say it like Mrs. Patmore on Downton Abbey.)

Princess Fish 'n Chips

Princess Adele Fank You

Princess Notting Hill

Princess Ice (Because of the diamonds. All the diamonds.)

Princess Hogwart

Princess Spice (Like I always say, Princess Spice shoulda been Spice Girl the whole time.)

Aisling Quinn is a writer and actress who frequents the glamorous bus route between Boston and New York City. Follow @obviouschild for what her Mom raves are "jokes I don't get."