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Crucial Update

How I'm Getting My Amazing Beach Body, by a Ghost

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By this time of year, I'm usually chugging away full steam on Project Bikini Body. It's not easy, as I'm sure you know!

My ideal beach body is a golden tawny tan, with yoga arms, well-defined but not masculine abs, and a proportional head. I hate bodies where the head is too big, you know? The knees have to be fully intact–none of this loosey-goosey joint stuff. Also, the arms should be the same length. Truth be told, though, I can't afford to be picky. As long as my beach body is female and between the ages of 18 and 35, I'll feel pretty good about it.

At the gym, I like to scour magazines like Us Weekly to check out the best and worst beach bodies. Yesterday, I learned that Kim Kardashian got her beach body by working out four hours a day! She says she's sick of spending all that time at the gym, and I'm like, Girlfriend, you should try walking in my shoes. "Shoes" being a metaphor, obviously. Also "walking."

Can I be honest, though? I don't really understand how these celebs procure their beach bodies. I read the other day that you should eliminate dairy for a really good beach body. Not a problem for me! And if hanging out at a gym gave you the perfect one, I would be on the cover of Self magazine tomorrow. But I've been doing this for a long time—Like, a really long time? Like, longer than I can remember?—and I've never come across a beach body.

Maybe I'm at the wrong gym. It's not that sexy. Half the ellipticals are broken, and it's so drafty. I'm constantly hearing people complain about this creepy sensation like the wind is blowing directly through them. Also the lights tend to flicker, and lately everyone's been avoiding the locker room, which is weird because I love it in there.

I can't complain, though. I'm too busy dreaming about my beach body. And once I have one, I know exactly what I'll do with it: Flaunt in a bikini. I'm not super clear on how to flaunt, but I feel like that's something you learn when you get your beach body? Mostly right now, I'm just excited to feel the sun on my shoulders. And also to have shoulders. And to feel.

Maybe I'll show off my beach body by wearing a crop top to a barbecue! I can just imagine what everyone will say when I appear. "You look so hot!" and "Omg, I love your hair!" and "Tell us again how you managed to leave the spirit realm and acquire corporeal form!" Oh, how we'll laugh. Just as soon as I get my hands on a real, genuine beach body.