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Crucial Update

Just Another Night at the Gilmore Girls Sports Bar

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Welcome to the Gilmore Girls Sports Bar, where if you're out on the road, feeling lonely and so cold, all you have to do is call my name, and I'll be there on the next train! This long-awaited themed entertainment facility plays episodes of Gilmore Girls on 50 different 39-inch flat screen TVs, streamed directly off your college roommate's boyfriend's mom's Netflix account. The Gilmore Girls Sports Bar accommodates every type of Gilmore Girls fan, except those who "kind of liked" season seven. We don't talk about season seven at the Gilmore Girls Sports Bar.

Watching Jess and Rory's first kiss.
Watching Jess and Rory's first kiss.

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7:15 p.m.

When you're getting ready for a big night out at Southwestern Connecticut's only Gilmore Girls Sports Bar, you've got to look good. Dream outfit: a grey, off-the-shoulder cowl neck dress in grey imitation silk, such as the one Lorelai made for Rory for her first dance at Chilton. Accessorize with a rhinestoned bandana and your own Dean "‘Cause I'll Kill You Idiot" Forester. Or if you're looking for a certain air of WASP-y gravitas, consider a tweed Chanel suit like Emily Gilmore as selected by old-school Hollywood stylist Miss Celine.

7:45 p.m.

Roll up to the venue with a bunch of randoms, like the Gilmore Girls themselves might. Despite being charming and quick-witted, Lorelai and Rory never really were girls' girls. Sometimes the show treated Sookie more as Lorelai's employee than her wacky best friend. Paris was a hyper, type-A jester and Madeline and Louise were plot conveniences. And remember Lane's sad bachelorette party? She invited Lorelai, Rory, Sookie, her cousin, and three women never seen before. When you travel with a crew like that, you're bound to get the "A" plot in the WB TV show of your own life.

8:00 p.m.

It's eight o'clock at the oasis, baby! (Remeber, pre-sex symbol Jon Hamm was in that episode!) (So was Wet Jess.) Take a shot.

8:04 p.m.

The bartender tells you to sit "anywhere" and, you say, "Can you move please?" to a patron sitting contentedly at the table right in front of you. Even though this is a hilarious bit, nobody will laugh, but don't worry. Nobody laughed at this bit at Luke's diner in Stars Hollow either, even though that town was filled with good-humored character actors.

8:15 p.m.

You order a gin martini with an onion, a drink prepared by Emily at a particularly frosty Friday night dinner at the Gilmores' in Hartford. Your crew orders a carafe of Founder's Day punch and a few rounds of The Rory (it tastes like a My Little Pony).

8:17 p.m.

Notice that, like the Gilmore Girls themselves, your friends do a pretty lame pantomime of pretending to drink the drink, or even acting like there's liquid in the cup. Lauren Graham did a slightly better job at pretending like she was drinking coffee than Alexis Bledel did. You try to drink more convincingly.

8:30 p.m.

You start to look around and notice the Gilmore Girls' Sports Bar's decor. It's a little chintzy and a little shabby, but there are hardwood floors with perfectly coordinated throw pillows and an untouched kitchen. You wonder how Lorelai was able to afford her house as a barely legal adult/single mother on the income of a hotel maid.

Then you're thinking about why does Lorelai claims she can't cook? She sews, owns a just-so shabby chic home, manages one of Connecticut's most picturesque inns, and is best friends with chefs. She's a hospitality professional and it seems like she must have picked up some skills at one point?

8:31 p.m.

The moment passes.

8:45 p.m.

Sidle on over to the jukebox. Its selection is limited to two songs: that same Sam Phillips' "La La" track that plays over the course of Gilmore Girls' multi-season run and one song by The Shins (the same song that was playing when Paris kissed Rory on spring break, trying to get attention from men). Rory and Lorelai are always going on and on about how cool their taste in music is (The Bangles, XTC, U2...), but these are the only songs you ever seem to hear in the show. You put a twenty dollar bill in the machine and cue up the "La La" song for the rest of the night.

9:00 p.m.

You're looking to get your flirt on but most of the guys here are lame—either Dean or Logan types. All the Jess types are probably at home reading Howl and Other Poems or The Old Man and the Sea or Factotum or some book meant to signify "I am cool," but probably should've been read in 9th grade English class. This night's a bust.

9:15 p.m.

Wait, someone lays some pretty good moves on you, but he's from Woodbridge. You're star-crossed lovers, like Paris and Rory when they played opposite romantic leads in the Chilton production of Romeo & Juliet.

9:30 p.m.

You're getting a little hungry and looking for some munchies. The vegetarians in the group order a Mrs. Kim signature delight, the eggless egg salad she served to Dave (Why'd you have to go to California, Dave?!) during the Stars Hollow dance marathon, or rather, the best episode of Gilmore Girls. You look for a bit of a lighter snack: a mezze platter of pop tarts, mallomars, deep fried turkey, chili fries, Chinese food inspired by Al's Pancake World, cherry poem, and a big pile of butt napkins.

Great news: Like Lorelai and Rory, at the Gilmore Girls Sports Bar, you'll never really feel full, you'll never have to exercise, and you'll never gain a pound or get a pimple. Everyone finds you sexually attractive, too, besides Roon! Those are some good genes!

10:00 p.m.

Karaoke time! At the Gilmore Girls Sports Bar, you can choose from "I Will Always Love You" (Dolly or Whitney version, we'll never know), The Pippi Longstocking theme song, "Magic Beans" from Into the Woods, and one particular Carole King song. You can also sing along to "Baby Face," but you'll have to leave out a few words like Rory did at Sherry's shower.

10:30 p.m.

Sort of drunk and a little introspective, you take a quiet moment alone to think about how Emily Gilmore was elegant, smart, funny, and protective of her family. Maybe Lorelai really was the insolent one. Could Emily be the real Gilmore Girl?

10:31 p.m.

The moment deepens, then passes.

11:00 p.m.

A Hep Alien cover band takes the stage. Positive, bar mitzvah vibes overtake the room. You lose yourself thinking about what a shame it is that Amy Sherman Palladino married and saddled Lane with two kids by the time she was twenty-two. Can women have a happy family life and a satisfying career as a drummer in a alt-rock band?

11:01 p.m.

You take a final fake sip of your martini and order a double Founder's Day punch.

12:00 a.m.

Bar-wide moment of silence for Edward Herrmann, followed by a Whiffenpoofs dirge. RIP.

12:30 a.m.

Your crew rolls out early, Sherman-Palladino style. You're alone and your repartee isn't quite as witty without them. Time to go home.

1:00 a.m.

Last call, swan song, bon voyage. Please don't call Dean to pick you up at the bar like Rory did on her last night of freshman year at Yale. He's married! Jess is around, too! Go kiss Jess!

3:00 a.m.

Are you serious that I have to bail you out of jail right now because you stole a yacht? Did that Huntzburger kid put you up to this?

Claire Carusillo lives in a bedroom in New York City. Follow @clocarus for an open discussion of books, bread, and eyebrows.