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If Wedding Websites Were Brutally Honest

Here are five fake wedding websites for when couples stop being cute…and start getting real.


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Photo: Shutterstock

Gary and Annie

How We Met

Gary and Annie went to the same high school, but only got to know each other in college. Annie always thought Gary was kind of an idiot. Once, she saw him throw up and then continue making out with a girl at the homecoming after party at Jenny's house.

But when he screamed "ANNNIIIIIEEE FROM HIGH SCHOOOOL!!" at her from across the Sigma Nu mixer and threw her a Natty, she thought "what the hell." Fast forward three years, two week-long breakups due to Country Fests '12 and ‘13, one Jumbotron proposal, no other realistic prospects, and here we are.

Bridal Party Info

The bridesmaids have a bet going on whether or not this is a shotgun wedding. The groomsmens' only concern is that "Don't Stop Believin'" plays at the reception and that the groom gets Smirnoff Iced on the dance floor.

Registry

Annie and Gary are registered at Target. Gary is also secretly registered at GameStop.


Photo: Shutterstock

Sara y Mark

How We Met

Hola y bienvenido al sitio de Sara y Mark! The couple would like you to admire their culturally adventurous wedding/appropriation fiesta! These two met while they were both studying abroad in Barcelona. Well, Mark was studying abroad. Sara was just sick of UCLA and needed some time away for herself, so she maxed out all her credit cards and went where all the other study abroad kids hung out. Mark still doesn't know.

Mark loved Sara's fiery personality and correct usage of the formal usted when she told an elderly couple to "go suck it" after they politely asked them to lower their music at 3:00am. Sara loved that Mark was too nice not to know that a lot of people lie. A lot.

All About Our Wedding

Sara's bachelorette party is in Madrid (her bridesmaids are SO THRILLED) and their church service will be entirely in Spanish. That should be great for both families, who are from the part of the Midwest that still categorizes mayonnaise as the primary ingredient of a salad. Dinner will be tapas, and Mark will pronounce it "Barthaylona" all night.


Photo: Shutterstock

LISA AND GEORGE

Meet the Couple

Lisa and George, man. Lisa and George! They're just the best. They're the couple that you actually like to hang out with, even if you're single. "I've personally learned so much from you relationship" said Tricia, Lisa's work acquaintance of three weeks.

Lisa and George didn't even WANT a big wedding or wedding site. They wanted to get married at City Hall without all the fanfare. But their family and friends insisted, "You two deserve to celebrate your love!" You basically want to throw Lisa and George's wedding for them, but she already bought the gown. It's from a thrift store for $30 and she looks better in it than you have in anything, ever.

Meet the Bridal Party

Lisa and George's wedding parties are made up of Lisa's best friend and her two sisters, George's best friend and his two brothers. Both sides are destined to fall in love with their counterparts at the reception, since anything Lisa and George touch turns to gold. Their two rescue dogs, Dorothy Height and Ángel Sanz Briz, are the ring bearers. You can try, but you can't even!

Registry

In lieu of gifts, Lisa and George would rather you donate to the ASPCA, St. Jude's Hospital, and the Red Cross, because UGH THEY'RE SO WONDERFUL. You're going to sneak a gift in anyway ;)


Photo: Shutterstock

MALLORY AND CRAIG

Who's Excited for the Wedding of a Lifetime?

Mallory and Craig are so happy you're going to be a part of their Baz Luhrmann-inspired wedding. Their love is cinematic and EPIC, as you can tell from the midi file of "Con te Partiro" that automatically played when you opened this site. Get ready for the party of a lifetime! No plus ones, no allergies, no children, no dresses in the white SPECTRUM.

How We Met

Mallory was working at Scarves ‘n Thangs when Craig wandered in looking pretty lost. He was, since he was suuuper high. He had planned on seeing "Hot Tub Time Machine 2," but he got all turned around in the huge mall. Mallory asked if she could help him and they ended up trying on a huge array of scarves together, with Craig settling on a six foot long grey wool number. The rest, they say, is history. Except Craig tweaked out pretty hard and thought the scarf was choking him, so Mallory had to talk him down for about an hour. But after that, the sparks (and scarves) were flying!

Our Wedding

Their wedding will be completely overblown and will leave them in heaps of debt. But who needs a down payment on a house when you can have a lucite dance floor and a band of the second string musicians from The Late Late Show?

Registry

Mallory and Craig are registered at Barneys, Nordstrom, Swarovski, and Bed Bath and Beyond.


Photo: Shutterstock

JAMIE AND JAMIE

Meet the Couple

Jamie and Jamie (Ha! Never gets old!) would like to invite you to their wedding. They've been together for five years. Marriage just felt like the right next step. Or at least a next step. Basically, this site is to let you know where they're registered.

Our Engagement

During a Sunday marathon of Arrested Development, Jamie asked "should we get married?" Jamie replied "...yeah, my summer's pretty open."

Location

The service will be held at St. Joseph's (ugh, PARENTS!!), and the reception will be held at the VFW hall across the street. It'll be buffet style, so come hungry (but not too hungry!) DJ Spotify will be rocking the jams all night. Attire is whatever an American Eagle formalwear line would look like.

Registry

You know, we don't really have a specific place–MONEY–in mind, whatever you would like to get us cough–CASH PLEASE–is enough for us. To tell you the truth, just your presence at our wedding–SOMEBODY PLEASE PAY OUR STUDENT LOANS–is gift enough.


Aisling Quinn is a writer and actress who frequents the glamorous bus route between Boston and New York City. Follow @obviouschild for what her Mom raves are "jokes I don't get."

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