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It's the Tuesday evening before July 4th weekend, and you've just heard about the divorce of Bennifer, the Second, during your celebrity gossip news sweep. "Wow, that actually hurts," you think. "More– more than I expected."
You had plans to meet a few people for drinks at the Gilmore Girls Sports Bar, but you're not feeling up for it anymore. You kind of just want to sit at a bar, alone, and cry into a beer. But which beer should you cry into?
Narragansett Lager - Narragansett Brewing Co.
It was the official beer of the Boston Red Sox from 1944 to 1975. If you don't remember, Ben Affleck pledged his allegiance to the Red Sox by refusing to wear a Yankees hat in Gone Girl. Drink this beer and let it out. Let it all out.
Black Damnation VI - De Struise Brouwers
This beer is notably strong, with an ABV of 39%. Your incessant tears will water it down, making it bearable, but still getting you catastrophically drunk.
Natural Light - Anheuser-Busch
This beer is awful. Even the Bros on Beer Advocate hate it. The end of a ten-year marriage held so close to American hearts doesn't deserve a better beer.
Mosaic Single Hop Imperial India Pale American Wheat - Evil Twin Brewing
This is wheat lager. The salt in your tears will enhance the piney hoppiness.
Wisconsin Belgian Red - New Glarus Brewing Company
This is a fruit beer, possessing a cherry flavor with hints of chocolate. One Beer Advocate reviewer describes it as "Medium bodied with some silliness." If this beer isn't Jennifer Garner, I don't know what is. Weep on, weep on.
Lift Off - Daredevil Brewing Co.
This is the highest-rated beer to come out of Daredevil, the brewing company that holds the same name as the film where Jen and Ben fell in love. It deserves your tears.