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Crucial Update

Taylor Swift Isn't Wearing a Crop Top So Something Terrible Is Nigh

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After two successful, friend-filled concerts in New Jersey, Taylor Swift left her apartment in a single piece of lavender lace that does not reveal a thin slip of upper torso. At all. Whatsoever. This from the woman who said of crop tops and high-waisted skirts, “It’s hard to say when I decided they’re what I want to wear all the time, but I’ll make up my mind, and that’s all you’ll see me wear for two years.” While I contact Swift's ten billion friends to see if she's alright, here's a quick brainstorm as to what this crazy behavior actually signifies.


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1. The End Is Nigh

Have you seen The Day After Tomorrow? Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal dated, you know. If you think the two aren't related, you're crazy.

2. Imminent Financial Collapse

Remember when the New York Stock Exchange just broke? Come on, Taylor.

3. Asteroids!

Doomsday prophets are already onto this one, claiming that the United States government knows something we don't about an "asteroid impact catastrophe" due to occur in September 2015. One lyric from Taylor's "Blank Space," is not helping. "Magic, madness, heaven, sin." I rest my case.

4. The Aliens Got Her

According to conspiracy theorist David Icke, many world leaders are actually possessed by reptilians, gaining power to control our societies. These shape-shifting alien reptiles require human blood to blend in with us humans. Icke believes that the Bush family and the British Royal Family belong to this group of alien reptiles. Sounds a lot like "Bad Blood" to me.

5. The Plague Returns

Is it just me or has everyone been coughing since Taylor Swift wore a dress? She did trademark the lyrics "This sick beat" from her hit song "Shake It Off." Something is up. Taylor, please wear a matching set soon.