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Crucial Update

Real Housewives Taglines for Lesser Cities

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Heartland housewives!
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Sandwich, MA

"When life gives you lemons, put nine in a bowl! Add egg yolk and a little corn oil, and—ta-dah!—you've got mayonnaise for the picnic!"

"I don't keep up with the Joneses. I am the Joneses. Honorable Rev. Loranus Jones, a founder of this town, is my ancestor."

"People get exhausted trying to figure me out, but I just say, 'Take a mid-afternoon nap on the screened-in porch and you'll feel better!'"

Utica, NY

"Utica is my playground, but we do like to go camping in Herkimer KOA on the weekends."

"I fought too hard for this zip code to go home now. The school district is better for my three young children."

"Life isn't all diamonds and rosé because this is a left-behind mining town."

Bismarck, ND

"I can deal with a lot, but I can't deal with these bleak, unforgiving winters anymore."

"I won Miss USA, not Miss Congeniality. And that was a real letdown because I thought I really bonded with the other girls. But Miss Florida totally deserved the win!"

"If you think I'm a bitch, then I'd like to sincerely apologize for giving you that impression."

Joliet, IL

"People make fun of Joliet girls, but I think they're just jealous. Our airport accessibility is unbeatable."

"I like things that are elegant and accessible, like our mall."

"When it comes to my family, I am the judge and jury. When it comes to my job, I am a CO at the Stateville Correctional Center."

Celebration, FL

"I'm living the American dream one mistake at a time. For example, I never should have bought a home in a model community originally developed by Disney."

"God is my savior, my husband is my king, and my body? I will have it cryogenically frozen in 20 years just like Walt."

"I picked up five languages from the world showcase at Epcot, but I can get a man with no words."

Roswell, NM

"Dirigibles and UFOs are nice, but my happiness starts at home."

"Life is about choice—and I choose to believe the truth is out there."

"If you can't handle the truth, it's not really my problem. I'm talking aliens, people."

Marfa, TX

"Housewives come younger, but they don't come hotter. It's so so fucking hot in this desert."

"My husband's a top plastic surgeon in this town, and I am his best creation. His second best creation is Untitled (Four Walls). He moonlights as a fairly well-known minimalist artist, actually."

"I'm a Southern belle. Brains, booty, and quietly hiding out in the hills from law enforcement."


Claire Carusillo lives in a bedroom in New York City. Follow @clocarus for an open discussion of books, bread, and eyebrows.