clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Crucial Update

The Purported Benefits of Baby Perfume for Adults

Here's Mommy's Little Secret.... she can wear Baby Perfume too, just like Baby! Here are the benefits of Baby Perfume for Mommy!

Johnson's Baby Cologne

Racked is no longer publishing. Thank you to everyone who read our work over the years. The archives will remain available here; for new stories, head over to Vox.com, where our staff is covering consumer culture for The Goods by Vox. You can also see what we’re up to by signing up here.

First

The most important thing: Little Gracie loves the smell! When Little Gracie smells Mommy putting on her Baby Perfume before she goes out and meets up with the Big Weird Man, Little Gracie can be comforted instead of throwing a fit over spending another night eating pre-made taco meat with the Teen Babysitter. Little Gracie always, always comes first to Mommy!

Second

It smells innocent! And, let's face it, I'm far from innocent. :-) With this perfume, though, I can at least pull off "less slutty." When Mommy goes out with the Big Weird Man, Mommy likes to smell like Baby instead of a fully grown woman with a job, a mortgage, and a Twitter account to maintain. Sometimes, Mommy talks like Baby and cries like Baby when Mommy is out a restaurant on a Friday night with the Big Weird Man. I like how that makes the Big Weird Man think Mommy is innocent :-).

Third

While the smell is clean and just perfect for little girls, its not bad for older women either [sic]. This is good, because sometimes Mommy sometimes feels old. And sometimes, feeling old makes Mommy feel sad. But if Little Gracie sees Mommy sad, Little Gracie should know that Mommy is not sad because of Little Gracie, but sad because she feels like she missed out on some ineffable foundational experience of youth. But don't worry! Mommy's moods pass quickly.

Fourth

It's the best smell EVER!! not at all like those cheap baby 'colognes.' Not smelling like one of those cheap babies is crucial. Mommy worked very hard to make sure that Little Gracie never smelled like one of those cheap babies, never even dreaming of dousing her in one of those cheap baby colognes. Mommy can never start teaching Little Gracie these lessons too early.

Fifth

It smells perfect, like watered down baby powder. To reiterate point five, it's very important for Mommy to smell wealthy. Watered down baby powder does the trick.

Sixth

It goes well with my body's PH. :) Mommy's body's pH has been very alkalinized since that weird diet that Big Weird Man's trainer suggested. Mommy only ate fruit and tofu for three weeks. Mommy missed alcohol and caffeine very much and resented Big Weird Man's insinuation that she needed to be a diet. Mommy had a sugar withdrawal headache and didn't return Big Weird Man's texts for a few days. Mommy secretly ate Little Gracie's Cheez-Its snackpacks in the pantry every night after Little Gracie went to bed.

Seventh

It's also very discreet, you won't reek or scream "baby" when wearing this. Mommy only screams "baby" when she sees other women holding babies younger than Little Gracie, because Mommy wants another Baby. And when Mommy screams "Baby," it's more like "Baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


Claire Carusillo lives in a bedroom in New York City. Follow @clocarus for an open discussion of books, bread, and eyebrows.