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Crucial Update

Additional Hillary Clinton Merchandise for Millennials

Illustrations by Kristin Nohe

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"It woman" Hillary Clinton is campaigning to be the first female President of the United States of America. To attract the 18 to 25-year-old vote, the former Secretary of State's team unloaded a bunch of youth-oriented items on hillaryclinton.com, like the Chillary Clinton Koozie Pack (a bunch of koozies that say "More like Chillary Clinton. Amirite?"), Hillary flashtats, BPA-free party cups (they're for water, I guess), and assorted Grillary Clinton accessories.

The effort is noble, but Clinton's team will have shill to the millennials a little harder if she wants to keep up with extremely hip Wu Tang-loving presidential hopeful Marco Rubio. Some suggestions for additional merch to incorporate into the campaign trail:

Been Trillary Clinton

In her first collab with art collective/menswear brand #BEENTRILL#, Clinton unleashes a streetstyle collection so right now that millennials don't even really understand its allure, but still really, really want it.

BEEN TRILL, a portmanteau of "been true" and "been real," which southern American rappers have popularized, also offers a line of signature lids and "FREE KEEF" tees curated by cool spotter and former FLOTUS of Arkansas.

Oral Contraceptive Pillary Clinton

During her tenure as First Lady of the United States, Clinton famously said, "Women's rights are human rights." In order to impress those powerful words on a sexually active youth demographic, Clinton makes her foray into the world of government-subsidized birth control with the first Clinton-branded prophylactic. The personal is political, indeed!

Downhillary Clinton

The greatest generation—born between 1982 and 1994—loves physical fitness. But even more so, it loves looking cool while doing it. Because her communications team couldn't think of a good Lululemon pun, the Clinton campaign looked to a fitness alternative: cycling—on a fixed gear bike, specifically. Yes, one can really only ride a fixie downhill with ease, but Hillary's advisors assure it's all smooth sailing from here on out.

Coffee Millary Clinton

Millennials only care about shiba inus and third wave coffee shops, and Clinton is savvy enough to understand that. With her first line of burr mill coffee grinders, Clinton takes specialty coffee to the next level with hip accoutrements, like a special edition Cafe Grumpy blend (Hannah from GIRLS works there!!!) and red and blue straws so cold brew guzzlers can stand out among the translucent straw crowd.

One Dollar Billary Clinton

Cash is over, unless there's a debit card minimum, in which case paying with singles is the only way to go. Let Alexander Hamilton keep the ten dollar bill; the only thing that matters is the single. (But on second thought, definitely give the ten dollar bill to a woman. Maybe Mariska Hargitay?)

In Clinton's new project with the US Mint, her visage replaces that of George Washington. This new form of monetary and cultural currency will have urban-dwelling youths trading Clinton's face for a single slice of OK pizza, a Bic lighter, or a junior cheeseburger at Wendy's.

Automated Electric Billary Clinton

Now that this white hot demographic is exclusively using stolen WiFi and paying roommates their share of the rent on Venmo, Clinton's entree into the utilities game has to be tight. Paying for cable and gas is obsolete (help I don't know how to preheat my oven without singeing my eyelashes), thus the campaign brings you the Automated Electric Billary Clinton.

Clinton's camp teams up with ConEd to deliver custom coddling "Congratulations, you auto-paid your electric bill!" messages to customers. Here's the clever part: any auto-paid bill will auto-match a donation to the Clinton campaign. They probably won't even notice!


Claire Carusillo lives in a bedroom in New York City. Follow @clocarus for an open discussion of books, bread, and eyebrows.