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Crucial Update

A Memo Regarding New Strategies for Dealing With Olds

Screaming.
Screaming.
Shutterstock/auremar

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MEMO

To: Teens

From: Teens

Date: Literally RN

Subject: New Strategies for Dealing With Olds


EFFECTIVE IMMEDS

If you've paid any attention to the olds recently (why) you might have noticed they are listening more and adopting our language evolutions more quickly, despite our best attempts at preventing their understanding. The most recent completely EGREGIOUS examples were USA Today describing Kate Middleton's hair as "on fleek" and every boug brand ever talking about bae like they even know. They don't. 

So we're instituting some new rules–effective immediately–to ensure that the olds let us live.

1. Each morning we will issue new slang for the day. Sometimes we will provide definitions and example usages. Sometimes we won't. We are open to the natural fluidity of language and encourage you to take advantage of the open-ended nature of our portmanteaus. 

2. These words should be used liberally for a period of twenty-four (24) hours. At that point, please refrain from further usage for a minimum of three (3) weeks. After said time has passed, the words are available for ironic or sarcastic use only.

3. If any brands are found using the daily slang within the twenty-four (24) hour period, all teens should liberally drop mentions of that brand into conversations with olds. Let them know that the brand is "hip" and they will look "fetch" if they consume the brands' products. Meanwhile, teens are encouraged to boycott said brand and favor other brands that respect our desire to define ourselves without immediate co-option. 

4. Because of the volume of new words this (admittedly drastic) plan requires, we encourage submissions of new slang. Preferred methods of submission include releasing a new Beyoncé album, sending a snap to your crush, or shooting a vine of an old being confused by you using the word.

Thanks all for your cooperation. Together, we can enjoy the expressiveness and elasticity of language without the interference of idiotic clangs.