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Crucial Update

Even More Ladies to Put on the Ten-Dollar Bill

Americans were supposed to see a woman on a twenty-dollar bill, but instead the Mint put in half the effort and promised us a woman would front the ten-dollar bill. Accordingly, here are ten ten-dollar budget picks.

Yer days are numbered, Hamilton.
Yer days are numbered, Hamilton.
Getty Images

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Lavinia Fisher*

1. America's first serial killer

2. Killed victims by crushing their heads between her legs (Strong Woman)

3. Legitimately "got away with highway robbery"

Photo: Getty Images

The Countess LuAnn De Lesseps

1. Modern American royalty from modest roots (central Connecticut)

2. "Money can't buy you class" is basically what "e pluribus unum" means

3. Has a QVC clothing and houseware line (like a Real American)

Photo: Instagram/@msvegas15

Jasmine Tridevil

1. Tampa women who convinced several of us she got a third breast implant

2. Stunt queen and licensed massage therapist (entrepreneur)

3. Half-hearted, tri-boobed patriarchy subverter

Photo: WikiCommons

Mary Toft

1. Tricked doctors into believing she'd given birth to several rabbits in 1726

2. Ruined the reputations of several prominent male physicians who believed her (disrupted status quo)

3. Not technically American, but neither is Barack Obama I'm kidding I'm kidding!

Minus Dempsey, of course. Photo: Getty Images

The Entire Cast of Iron Jawed Angels

1. Suffragettes, but sexier

2. Golden Globe® speech-givers (skilled orators)

3. Collectively relegated a young Patrick Dempsey to a supporting role

Photo: Getty Images

Violet Affleck

1. Nine-year-old spawn of Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck

2. Is probably really smart (wears glasses)

3. The only person in the United States who knows the real story about the nanny and Ben, maybe

Photo: Getty Images

Mary Steenburgen

1. Most compassionate mother figure in the history of cinema (Orange Is the New Black, Step Brothers, Joan of Arcadia)

2. Subdued notoriously wily silver fox Ted Danson

3. BF4Ls with Hillary Clinton

Photo: Getty

Danielle Steel

1. This country's premier sex novelist and the best-selling author alive

2. Has perfected the chin resting on fist headshot pose (would look great above a stately crest)

3. Her books available at the grocery store (quite populist)

Photo: Getty Images

Tiffany from America's Next Top Model Cycle 3

1. The mid-aughts most notorious reality villain

2. Famously endured the screaming wrath of Tyra Banks and lived to tell the tale

3. Soooo pretty

Photo: Getty Images

Amy Sherman Palladino

1. Creator of critically acclaimed television show Gilmore Girls and critically panned show Bunheads

2. Writer/producer/director who wears many hats (also literally)

3. Talks fast (gets shit done)

*No depictions of Lavinia Fisher exist, which could hurt her otherwise air tight case for ten dollar bill consideration.


Claire Carusillo lives in a bedroom in New York City. Follow @clocarus for an open discussion of books, bread, and eyebrows.