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Crucial Update

More Real Housewives Taglines for Lesser Cities

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Death Valley, CA

"This uninhabitable nightmare landscape is my playground."

"You never know how strong you are, until you're forced to find out. I was in the desert for three days. I had to eat a tarantula."

"I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I've skinned a bat with one!"

Gary, IN

"I make my own rules, so don't expect me to follow yours—especially in a city known for socioeconomic tension and corrupt law enforcement policies."

"Having it all is easy, if you're willing to live in a fallen, former steel mill town."

"I never throw the first punch, but I have seen the tangible effects of the school-to-prison pipeline."

Salt Lake City, UT

"We're old school. We believe in respect. And contrary to what you think, we don't believe in polygamy."

"I always knew I was destined for greatness, even though us Latter Day Saints reject the notion of predestination."

"God is my savior, my husband is my king, and my body? It's dressed in conservative outerwear."

Buford, WY

"I'm the richest girl in Buford, and I am the only one."

"I run with a fabulous circle of people (some buffalo, a squirrel)."

"People call me a golddigger, but I genuinely believe that panning for precious stones in this riverbed will soon pay off."

Cabo San Lucas, Mexico

"I'm from this town. I know what's real and fake, though admittedly I haven't left the resort in close to 12 years."

"My success is built on making maids and waitstaff look and feel their worst. Holla!"

"I speak five languages, but absolutely none of them are Spanish."

Branson, MO

"Sexy life, loyal wife. That's a lyric from my self-produced off-off-off-Broadway musical on Route 76"

"Character isn't what you have, it's who you are. And my character is Sailor #4 in The Adventures of Marco Polo."

"I was a child star, and now my most important role is regaining even a modicum of that fame I experienced 35 years ago."

Hanover, NH

"Throw me to the feral pigs, and I shall return leading the pack."

"I may be married to a plastic surgeon, but I reject most tenets of Western medicine."

"I'm back to bring the zen in my boutique mindfulness meditation franchise funded by my doctor husband. Namaste, bitches!"

Read part one here!

Claire Carusillo lives in a bedroom in New York City. Follow @clocarus for an open discussion of books, bread, and eyebrows.