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Crucial Update

Miles Teller Is a Dick, Reports Esquire

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Most magazine writers gush over their cover stars. Esquire is not most magazines. This month, Anna Peele paints an extremely unflattering portrait of heartthrob Miles Teller, implying that he is stupid and repeatedly saying that he is a "dick."

The feature opens: "You're sitting across from Miles Teller at the Luminary restaurant in Atlanta and trying to figure out if he's a dick." After some deliberation involving a message sent to Kobe Bryant and a Roman numeral tattoo, she's convinced. "So yeah, he is kind of a dick." They're off to a bang-up start!

Teller's contribution to the acting world is described as, "his Tellerian essense," which entails "talking faster and drinking more and seeming to give fewer shits and inhaling more of the oxygen in the room than anyone else."

So he's a dick (the word "dick" or a variation of it is mentioned seven times in the piece). But is he an attractive dick? Peele brings up Teller's tendency to talk about his hair in interviews, writing "Maybe he's making up for not being the best-looking, or sometimes even the third-best-looking, guy in any given movie he's in...The nose is crooked, the eyelids fleshy, the chin soft, the cheeks mottled with flush."

Then, she reveals she had to cut Teller's meat for him at lunch. Yes, this is "a man who ten minutes earlier showed you an iPhone photo of his back muscles to prove how strong he is." In case you were wondering, it was pork belly and it was "really hard to cut."

Update: Miles Teller responded to his harsh Esquire profile by tweeting back at the magazine.

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr"><a href="">@esquire</a> couldn&#39;t be more wrong. I don&#39;t think there&#39;s anything cool or entertaining about being a dick or an asshole. Very misrepresenting</p>&mdash; Miles Teller (@Miles_Teller) <a href="">August 5, 2015</a></blockquote>

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