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America is on the verge of experiencing the best No Doubt album of all time. When social media announced that Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale were officially headed for divorce, there were mixed reviews (much like No Doubt’s latest album) and cries of "love is dead" echoing — but even her most hardcore fans had to wonder if this heartbreak will lead to songs of "Tragic Kingdom" magnitude.
"Tragic Kingdom" documented Gwen’s breakup with No Doubt’s bassist, Tony Kanal, in vivid detail. Back in 1995, when it was first written, she was just another SoCal girl trying to figure out why her boyfriend dumped her, wearing overalls (although they are having a resurgence) and singing about his casual cruelty, all while they played side by side. By the time "Return of Saturn" came out she had moved on to the Bush frontman, and was trying to figure out how to keep his cheating (but handsome) British face around with songs like "Bathwater." After asking, "Why do the good girls always want the bad boys?" she found a way to make him settle down — and her music quickly went from bleak to boring.
Everyone wants the O.G. G. Stefani back, including all of the messy feelings that come with a broken heart (but hard pass on the striped armbands and wifebeaters). Allegedly Gavin’s side piece is the nanny, so it’s more than likely that Gwen’s seeing red (and not just because of her lipstick shade). It’s perfect timing, because people are tired of hearing about her perfect Los Angeles life (they could always read Goop for that).
Now that Gwen’s single it’s time for her to upgrade with the ultimate rebound relaysh, giving her the potential for her next great hit.
5. Blake Shelton
Like Gwen, Blake is more than familiar with separations of the achy breaky variety. They could turn their divorces into the ultimate country/ska fusion duet that would make The Voice a bona fide ratings bonanza. (Please disregard how awful that combination sounds.) Gwen’s no stranger to complete and total fashion evolutions. There was her cotton candy Manic Panic hair, the rastafarian sweatbands during her reggae period, and even a brief foray into adult orthodontia. If anyone can make cowboy boots work, it’s her.
Gwen’s red lipstick wouldn’t do well in the boonies. And while she may be in ultra amazing shape (seriously, have you seen her do push ups on stage?) it’s more than likely that Miranda Lambert could still take her down.
4. An Anonymous Member of Bush
Everyone who’s ever been a college freshman who’s had too much to drink knows that hooking up with your ex’s best friend is the best revenge. Another upside? Gwen would still be the most famous person in the relationship, which she obviously became accustomed to when she had Gavin’s greasy man bun trailing behind her on the red carpet.
Other members of Bush don’t have Gavin’s almost alien bone structure. Options are limited — after all, does anyone actually know who’s in Bush? It’s possible that Gavin doesn’t even know who the other members are. She could choose the one with the handlebar mustache, the oversized metal bro, or the medium-handsome peroxide blonde. At least they could bleach their hair together to maintain her signature look. Couples often grow to look alike anyway, so she’s starting ahead.
3. Ben Affleck
Since Ben’s notorious for infamous relationships Gwen could really rub her new bae in Gavin’s perfectly chiseled face. They could have a fun moniker like "Gwen" (no changes necessary) or "Staffleck" which sounds like a disease that you’d hear about on an emergency NPR update. Gwen would have the opportunity to give Ben a much needed style upgrade. Just imagine the former preppy prepster with a leather necklace and you’ll be all for this unholy union. They could even take their kids to Disney World together (although they should consider leaving their nannies at home).
It’s entirely possible that Ben actually is his Gone Girl character IRL which is downright terrifying. Gwen would definitely not put up with a sugar storm ruining her aesthetic/L.A.M.B. outfit.
2. Zayn Malik
With the popularity of Hollywood men allegedly leaving their wives for much younger nannies, why shouldn’t Gwen pick up a manny of her own for her flock of adorable nuggets. Like her baby Zuma, Zayn also has a name that sounds like an exercise craze, and personal style for days. Outsiders would think they’re the same age because Gwen gets younger every day. It can be hard keeping up with the latest pop culture trends, especially when you’ve been in the business for roughly 100 years and counting. Zayn would give Gwen the valuable insight into youth culture that her label just isn’t providing. Their union would lead to her influencing a new generation of pop punk princesses — imagine Taylor Swift skanking in skater skirt and Selena Gomez with blue hair and braces. Before you know it G. would be Snapchatting her adorable babies hijinks and making YouTube tutorials to share her makeup regime.
They would have to compete for who’s prettiest.
1. Tony Kanal
If these two got back together you’ll be listening to classic, emotionally ridden, singalong worthy songs like "Don’t Speak," "Sunday Morning" and "Happy Now" instead of "Looking Hot," which was primarily heard in New Jersey nightclubs. Their inevitable reunion would force her to spend more time with the band, which would (hopefully) mean the end of all Harajuku girls and the matching merchandising. Tony would provide the perfect excuse to bring back her politically incorrect bindi, giving her major indie cred at any and all festivals. Their reunion would give every middle school girl who cried alone in her room to "Tragic Kingdom" the closure they’ve needed since the early 90s.
He’s married. Sure, she'd be a homewrecker, but have you heard No Doubt's music lately? Two divorces for the low price of one hit record isn't much to pay.