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Crucial Update

Is This What Deflategate Is About? And Other Controversies I Understand

Keeping up with news is hard.

Photo: Getty Images/Grant Halverson

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What I Think Deflategate Is About

Tom Brady, whose name I've seen on pink youth-sized basketball jerseys, deflated a bunch of balls, rendering his sport unplayable for whole minutes before someone came in with a back-up air pump, and everything was fine. Until the referee realized that pump was filled with helium. A bunch of unfair touchdowns resulted. People said really mean stuff about him on Twitter.

What I Think the Ashley Madison Scandal Is About

Hackers hacked into the mainframe of floral bedding line Laura Ashley, exposing millions of male customers who prefer shabby chic linens to standard boy-blue plaid. Some high profile bed-swappers include J-Woww's boyfriend, one of the many thousands of male Duggar children, and a Real Househusbands (maybe Slade Smiley, but I'd have to check on that one).

What I Think One Direction's Split Is About

Ever since the gorgeous one left to pursue his lifelong dream of being a former boy band star, Harry, the other British one, the Irish one, and the one who's going to be a dad soon have felt a little off because the gorgeous one was the only one that could sing very well. So many little girls are sad and I want to tell them it gets better — I saw the washed-up Backstreet Boys in concert in 2007 and they were not at all sexually desirable to me any more.

What I Think The Bennifer Divorce Is About

A nanny hired and paid money to care for Jennifer Garner's children got mad that Jennifer Garner asked her to care for her children in exchange for money. Ben Affleck, who plays a total cad in Gone Girl, took a shower with the nanny. They all went to the Caribbean for a while to cool off and then the nanny somehow took a selfie of her on a very private plane wearing at least five rings once belonging to Tom "Deflategate" Brady.

What I Think the Pope's Marriage Annulment Thing Is About

The Pope, who is like the Italian-American version of Santa Claus, is making it easier for Catholics to annul their marriages. This means that every single Catholic person who has ever gotten divorced never had sex in the first place, but now it's official. The Pope is doing it because he wants people to think he's cool and not a prude.

What I Think Omi's "Cheerleader" Is About

The perspective in this song is very confusing, but I will try my hardest for you. 2015's Song of the Summer ® is sung from the perspective of Omi himself to his Queen Cheerleader (she walks like a model and grants his wishes like a genie in a bottle). All the other girls are all, "Do you need me? Do you think I'm pretty? Do I make you feel like cheating?" and Omi's like, "No, not really." Because the Cheerleader's always right there when he needs her.

Claire Carusillo lives in a bedroom in New York City. Follow @clocarus for an open discussion of books, bread, and eyebrows.