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Crucial Update

Justin Bieber Isn't Going to Win Back America With Hair Like This

Photo: Twitter/@TODAYshow

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Justin Bieber, America's whipping boy, changes his hair a lot. He's a pop star. It comes with the territory. His second to last change, which debuted at the VMAs, featured the "off-centered triangle in the front, cropped in the back" look that holds the ignoble honor of being the country's most hated hair cut.

Can you blame America, though? It calls back emos, America's least favorite mid-aughts subculture, and Kate Gosselin, the first of America's most reviled reality television moms. It calls back a moment in 2013 when America's best friend Jennifer Lawrence cut her hair into an angular mistake and suddenly America had other plans for the weekend. It's America's "can I see your manager" haircut. It's all around not great.

Justin, who is currently on a redemption press tour, can't afford any more image screw ups. Still, during a free concert at the Today Show this morning, he revealed that his cut, preloaded with all those painful pop culture cues mentioned above, has a platinum twist. His hair is lightning white.

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if he didn't resemble a finely aged Draco Malfoy, America's least favorite villain from middle school, America's worst years of schooling — or worse Mike Score, the widely ridiculed front man of Flock of Seagulls from the '80s, America's most questionable 20th Century decade. As a celebrity re-structuring his persona in a way that makes it so, so clear he wants to be liked again, Justin and his stylists should better understand visual context. May we suggest a mullet, which shows humility and a sense of humor, the American shorthand for "d'aww, I'm just here for a good time." You know, like that goofy guy from Eastbound & Down or a young Patrick Swayze. A haircut won't make or break the mea culpa tour, but it can act as an unnecessary road block.