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Crucial Update

A Grand Unified Theory of Real Housewives

Lisa Vanderpump is a sorceress.

Photo: Getty Images/Vincent Sandoval

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The theory revolves around the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills franchise, and one of the richest, most powerful housewives in the land, Lisa Vanderpump. From her home named Villa Rosa, Vanderpump has the preternatural ability to commune with animals: she can be seen dressing an extremely wizened pomeranian named Giggy in a small, small tuxedo and kissing swans, whom she has trained to live in the moat in front of her castle. Vanderpump has an eerily powerful hold on those around her, collecting more minions the longer she lives, like former Real Housewife Brandi Glanville and Vanderpump Rules star Stassi Schroeder. Vanderpump ages in reverse, becoming hotter and hotter as she grows older and more vengeful. Former Beverly Hills Housewife Carlton Gebbia practiced Wicca, but Vanderpump is the universe's ruling housewitch.

Vanderpump's drama bubbles, toils, and troubles housewives on opposite sides of the country.

Vanderpump's drama bubbles, toils, and troubles housewives on opposite sides of the country. Her feud with Real Housewife of New York City Bethenny Frankel made headlines before they buried the hatchet and decided to form a formidable sorcereress supergroup. With this alliance,  the Vanderpump-Frankel Kingdom spans the entire country, using their dark magic to capture the hearts and imaginations of men, women, and college freshmen who try drinking for the first time on Halloween and end up blacking out on Skinnygirl margarita. With their otherworldly ally-ship, they've enlisted Carole Radziwell, a Kennedy and a princess trapped in her recently remodeled tower in the West Village. Sometimes, they even employ Sibyl Patti Stanger of Millionaire Matchmaker and Enchantress Mama Elsa of Real Housewives of Miami for back up.

Photo: Getty Images/Rob Kim

Think Vanderpump and Frankel don't control the misfortunes of Real Housewives on other franchises? Think again. The legendary feud between Real Housewives of Atlanta stars Kenya Moore and Phaedra Parks about who had the intellectual property rights to a donkey booty-themed workout DVDs? That was the Vanderpump-Frankel sisters. They also got The New Normal, starring Atlanta's NeNe Leakes, canceled after one season. Vanderpump and Frankel were the ones who sent the much-shrieked over Little Family Van instead of a limo to the O.G. of the O.C. Vicki Gunvalsson before she went on a two-week cruise. They whispered the phrase "Prostitution Whore" to Teresa Giudice off-camera seconds before she flipped that table on Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Vanderpump and Frankel are the reason why I never watched a single episode of Real Housewives of DC, so I don't have any quips about it.

They're really the grown-up version of Bella and Gigi Hadid, and they're here to take over the world.

Why would these two women, who seemingly Have It All, prey on the frailties of less powerful, less rich housewives? The simplest answer is the best. Like how the little girl from Monsters Inc. grew up to be the witch from Brave, Vanderpump and Frankel have traversed time and space to get to where they are. They're really the grown-up version of Bella and Gigi Hadid, supermodels and daughters of Beverly Hills Real Housewife Yolanda Hadid Foster, and they're here to take over the world. Think about it — have you ever seen them together, besides in this picture which could easily be attributed to Photoshop? You haven't.

Of course, wherever there's a powerful coven of women, there's a man behind them taking credit. Andy Cohen can take credit for Ramona Singer Pinot Grigio, Sonja Morgan's failed toaster oven line, and the Manzo brothers' blk. water spokesmanship, but not this.


Claire Carusillo lives in a bedroom in New York City. Follow @clocarus for an open discussion of books, bread, and eyebrows.