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Cover up that thigh brow, because a neck grin is the sexiest body accessory this fall. What's a neck grin? It's that slightly indented crease that bisects the middle of your neck, typically developed after 10 to 40 human years of looking down or nodding in affirmation at people. You're never fully dressed without it! Just make sure you have a hot face and an otherwise okay body first.
Neck grins are so out! This fall, it's about that thing you can do with the two bisected fleshy parts of your inner elbow crease where it looks like a butt. Send an arousing sext to a person of interest, and caption it, "This is my butt!" and then follow up 20 seconds later with, "Just kidding, it's my inner elbow crease! I didn't want you to get the wrong impression! Want to have sex still?" But wait! Make sure your inner elbow flesh doesn't get too fleshy. Lift seven pound weights designed for this very purpose by the flesh-eradication-industrial complex, coming soon to a Bed Bath & Beyond near your mom's house.
Comedy butt flesh, shmomedy shmutt shmesh. The hair knot at the nape of your neck, which develops after you've worn a shirt with a collar or a scarf, that you've never have the wherewithal to brush out after a shower? Put. The. Wet. Brush. Down. It's going to be major this fall, as long as your hair is long and not damaged by heat straightening or relaxers. Also, your face is a good face. "Hair knot" rhymes with "thot" for a reason!
Oh baby, and you know that hair that curls up around your temples when you've been sweating? That's the hottest new vibe, as long as you were sweating at a boutique fitness studio and you were wearing high-performance lycra while doing so. Also, your hair shouldn't be tied up with a normal hairband. It has to be one of those ribbon-looking ones with the little knot at the end.
Forget hair. (Seriously forget it. Shave it all off or laser it off if you're already rich.) This fall is all about that part below your knee that you accidentally nicked with a razor. If there's a little bit of blood trailing down your shin that you don't notice until a lady at Starbucks points it out, even better. Blood makes men think of apples, which makes them of sex.
Speaking of congealed blood, bluish under-eye circles are the real It girls of fall. Also hot: talking about how much you work and how little you sleep to colleagues and superiors.
The back dimples that some people have right about their tail bones? You need them now, girlie. They're not cellulite and don't let anyone tell you otherwise! Unless they are, in which case, there are creams advertised on Instagram to take care of that.
Oh, forget about back dimples, now we're dealing with the hump in the back of your neck that's grown rapidly ever since you took a full-time typing job and are hunched over for 12 out of your 16 waking hours. Doctors call it a dowager's hump. Yes, like the princess, baby! Modern American royalty, you are. Very Jackie O! Very Luann De Lesseps!
Stomach moles. Draw ‘em on in body chocolate! GIGI HADID HAS THEM. THEY'RE NORMAL.
Two little pointy teeth on each side. THEY'RE COOL.
A deeper belly button than seemingly everyone else at the pool party. A SINGULAR PRESENCE!
Exaggerated 'Q' angle. VERY NOW.
You have one pupil that's smaller than the other and sometimes you go a little blind when you've been drinking? GORGEOUS.
I haven't talked to another human woman in at least four years. THAT'S WHAT'S HOT FOR FALL! I'M CALLING IT NOW! FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM!