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Crucial Update

The Number of Instagram Likes Your Pic Deserves

Here now, an exercise in managing expectation on social media: The correct amount of Instagram likes for every picture we thought of posting this week.

Photo: Instagram/@justwine

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Picture of your glass of wine and the sunset: 0

#TBT of you at Electric Daisy Carnival wearing Flash Tatts and fringe: 1

Anything with the caption #____ goals: 4

Picture of something you made in a slow-cooker: 4

Picture of white linens in a hotel your work put you up in for Tuesday and Wednesday nights: 6

Picture of some weird cousin's baby: 6

Screenshot of a Snapchat you sent out where you look gorgeous: 7

Picstitch of you and your best friend on her birthday. She looks fine in all pictures but you look gorgeous: 7

Picture of a cocktail that looks just okay in the grand scheme of things: 7

Picture of downtown buildings on a sunny day taken at an unusual angle: 7

Picture of you holding a native child while studying abroad in a war-torn "developing" nation: 8

Picture of your limited edition Birkenstocks: 9

Picture of a cheeky chalkboard sign: 10

Stolen Real Housewives GIF: 10

Picture of an haphazardly planted succulent you bought for your windowsill/for Instagram: 10

Picture of all of the bottled liquids that have accumulated on your desk over the course of this week: 11

Bird's eye perspective shot of breakfast: 11

Skim shot of breakfast:11

Picture of second cousin's baby: 11

Picture of you parasailing with your third cousin's daughter: 11

Picture of your roommate drinking beer out of a paper bag: 11

Photobooth photo strip artfully arranged on a wooden table:12

Picture of you and Anne Hathaway's body double from The Intern: 12

Picture of you and a Donald Trump cut out: 12

Picture of you looking at dildos at Spencer Gifts:12

Picture of your nightstand piled high with books you've only pretended to have read: 13

Picture of you picking an animatronic Ponce De Leon's nose at the Fountain of Youth: 14

Selfie of you in a bikini, but you control the angles and cropping: 15

Picture of Taylor Swift's 1989 tour taken from the last row of Section 321 at the United Center: 17

Screenshot of your Spotify playlist that's just "I Luh Ya Papi" 35 times: 35

Picture of your nipple, covered by Miley's head: 36

Picture of your kinda wonky seven-tiered tulip latte art: 37

Grainy close-up of your lips wearing exclusive Christopher Kane for Nars lip gloss: 45

Selfie of you on the Ponte Vecchio in Florence with your lover: 54

Picture of you smiling with a pink doughnut: 55

Picture of you smiling with a coconut doughnut: 55

Picture of you smiling with a chocolate doughnut: 55

Selfie of you in bed with the caption "Feeling Myself": 56

Selfie of you smiling with your thigh bruise: 57

Picture of you and your sister wearing matching jumpers in 1993: 66

Picture of Mom smiling in a white blazer in 1986 on Mother's Day: 67

Picture of Dad looking hot in shorts in 1987 on Father's Day: 68

Picture of Grandma with a fairly condescending caption about old people being "cute:" 69

Picture of a sign that says "Elevator Capacity: 69" with the caption "nice:" 69

Comedy shot of you wearing too-small pants from freshman year of high school: 70

Comedy shot of you wearing too-small pants from freshman year of college: 71

Comedy shot of your contoured face before blending: 76

Picstitch of you posing like Beyonce next to a photo of Beyonce: 77

Picture of Drake with no caption: 77

Picture of a pomeranian you saw on public transportation: 78

Picture of a one-eyed shiba inu you saw outside the coffee shop: 79

Picture of the saint bernard at the recycling center: 80

Picture of a golden retriever that looks just like you: 81

Picture of the highly elegant weimaraner strutting its stuff down Fifth Avenue: 82

Picture of you after you just got your eyebrows done: 83

Picture of you getting a vampire facial: 84

Picture of you where you've Photoshopped your own head onto Gigi Hadid's body: 84

Picture of your sister where you've Photoshopped her head onto Bella Hadid's body: 84

Picture of you getting acupuncture taken by your herbalist: 84

Picture of you holding a corn with a topknot that kind resembles you: 85

Selfie you took in the bathroom of your office, just because you were feeling your look, can you let me live please: 90


Claire Carusillo lives in a bedroom in New York City. Follow @clocarus for an open discussion of books, bread, and eyebrows.