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Crucial Update

People Who Deserve to Date Amy Poehler

Photo: Getty Images/Michael Kovac

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Now that Amy Poehler, earth angel and the wisecracking woman's Beyoncé, has ditched her comedy side project Nick Kroll, she can finally get serious with someone who actually deserves her. (I wish you the best, Nick, and I was delighted by the success of Kroll Show, but Fabrice Fabrice is no match for Parks and Recreation's Leslie Knope, or even SNL's Kaitlin)

Some suggestions:

John Stamos

Have mercy! Film's hottest uncle is single and ready to mingle. The King of Greek Yogurt is once again huge among women between 5 and 105, undergoing a new period of protracted popularity that I like to call the JohnStamosance. Poehler needs a guy who can keep up with her in Hollywood, and chill out with her way down in Kokomo.

Mr. Darcy

Colin Firth in the 1994 Pride and Prejudice mini-series

Mr. Darcy, played by Colin Firth, is a little crotchety, but more importantly EXTREMELY HANDSOME, in his career-defining role. Like Lizzie Bennet, Poehler is smart and playful and knows how to bring out the best in people who seem like they might have medium-bad personalities (I am looking at you Will Arnett, possibly). Poehler is otherworldly, so a fictional character would do well for her.

Tyler and/or Cameron Winklevoss

Brains and brawn: Double the trouble! Quadruple it, if Poehler chooses both (no pressure, Amy!) These boys are Harvard grads, tech moguls, and Olympians, so they should be able to keep up with Poehler. But once these boys start talking about boring stuff like their legendary litigiousness or their genius new invention, Poehler should send them packing.

Chaz Dean

Inventor of Wen by Chaz Dean Cleansing Conditioner

Since the end of Parks and Recreation, Poehler's been playing around with her hair. She's a redhead now! She needs the tender touch of a haircare titan: Just look at him the care and precision with which he conditions in his signature infomercial. Poehler deserves this. Sure, Dean is a gay man, but sometimes it's not sex that Poehler needs, it's a hydrating conditioner.

Prince Harry

Dating Poehler could be good for the wild prince's career. She'd reap the benefits, plus I could see her charming the knickers off Queen Elizabeth. Win/win. But late at night, the two would come together and make each other laugh. She'd do her spot-on impersonation of his British accent, he'd tell her that during that weekend in Vegas when he got his photo taken while nude, all he really wanted to do was head back to the hotel room and watch Baby Mama on his iPad Mini.

Bradley Cooper

In the polo from Wet Hot American Summer or not

I'm serious about this one, everyone! Their sexual energy was palpable as psychotic theater kids in Wet Hot American Summer and Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp. I think they'd have fun together and Cooper deserves to be with someone in his age bracket in real life after years of playing opposite a female romantic who could be his daughter's age.

Rashida Jones

I can't be the only person who Googles Leslie Knope/Ann Perkins slashfic. I shipped Leslie and Ann, and now that both parties are available, I ship Poehler and Jones.


Claire Carusillo lives in a bedroom in New York City. Follow @clocarus for an open discussion of books, bread, and eyebrows.