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Crucial Update

Men: How to Put on a Shirt for Fall

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Labor Day Weekend is the unofficial end of summer: no more sneaking into hotel pools, $5 hot dogs at the beach, and shirtless men in public outdoor places. The sidewalks, city parks, shopping plazas, and beer gardens will finally return to their fully-clothed state. There will be significantly less flesh in pedestrian walkways and bike lanes; no more hairy nipples at the corner store.

Given the abundance of unsolicited bare torso this summer, we assume these guys don't know how to put on a shirt. Here, a helpful guide:

Step 1: Ease into the idea of wearing a shirt by draping yourself in a bed sheet or anything that will make it slightly more appropriate for you to be inside of a store.

Step 2: Ask someone wearing a shirt where the shirts are.

Step 3: Go to where the shirts are.

Step 4: Buy one and apologize to the cashier for not doing this sooner.

Step 5: Put your head through the headhole and your arms through the armholes.

Step 6: No, actually put both arms through. Don't wear it like this. This doesn't count as a shirt.

Step 7: Re-enter society as an acceptable human. And pat yourself on the back; you did it!