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My vice president will be a hologram of myself.
The Oval Office will be an octagon because its shape pleases me more as an artist.
There will be a weekly State of the Union where I'll talk about whatever is on my mind. Tax increases... immigration reform... new mandatory jail terms for anyone that wears pleather...
I will do daily fly-bys in DC while hanging from an Air Force One rope ladder and performing my favorite songs FOR FREE YOU'RE WELCOME
My cabinet = the Kardashians
POTUS TWITTER FEED WILL BE ALL CAPS ALL THE TIME.
Don't say I don't have any political experience BECAUSE I'VE BEEN FILIBUSTERING EVERYONE MY WHOLE LIFE.
I'm not pardoning any more turkeys because THEY KNOW WHAT THEY DID.
Three branches of government? Like TWIGS?? I need SEQUOIAS OF GOVERNMENT.
Obamacare, I'm happy for you and all, but it's gonna be KANYECARE from now on. It's actually called the Affordable Healthcare Act, but people don't seem to know that so...KANYECARE.
I don't care about straw polls or hay polls or even STRIPPER poles because I know what AMERICA wants — what America NEEDS — and it's me. Also, why the hell is every poll from Quinnipiac University? What is up with that? Do they have a monopoly on polls?!
I'll get rid of the Electoral College because I'M A DROPOUT AND LOOK HOW AMAZING I AM I DON'T NEED YOUR COLLEGE.
You want my e-mails? Oh, you'll get my e-mails. I'm going to read them on the White House lawn every damn day through a megaphone. Just TRY and guess what's on my Amazon WishList. JUST TRY.
You want entertainment? Imagine me at the White House Correspondent's Dinner. Shit. Would. Get. Real. My entrance music would be the "Rains of Castamere" or "American Boy." TBD.
The annual White House Easter Egg Hunt will have no children because they will all be Fabergé eggs hand-painted by Tibetan monks. If you're not living life luxuriously THEN WHAT'S THE POINT OF LIVING??? North can attend, though; she knows how to act.
Major student loan reform. Seriously.