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Crucial Update

Golden Globes 2016 Predictions

Jason Merritt/Getty Images

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Can you hear the rambunctious clicking of blogger's keys as they set themselves up for one of the most important global events? Forget climate change conferences, forget the European Union, and definitely forget the G20: it's time for the good old Golden Globe Awards to shine.

Nothing marks a New Year quite like awards season, where the stars come out of hibernation on their rented yachts in the Caribbean and emerge one step closer to skin cancer with glowing golden tans, trying to salvage the energy to answer the question "Who are you wearing?"

While other publications are placing their bets on who's going to win certain awards, here are some predictions of what's going to happen in general tonight:

  • Amy Schumer will make a joke about her body.
  • Leonardo DiCaprio will crack a smirk that makes him look like he's dying inside.
  • Aziz Ansari will do *that* smile.
  • Jennifer Lawrence will get her dress caught in something then fall; her publicist needs her to up her gimmick game.
  • Will Smith won't be happy when one of the other white actors nominated wins the Best Actor award.
  • Idris Elba will momentarily stop time with his handsomeness.
  • Oscar Isaac will wink.
  • Tyler Perry will announce his intentions to direct an El Chapo biopic.
  • Alejandro G. Iñárritu will have a breakdown when a less gritty director than him wins.
  • Aaron Sorkin will quit screenwriting.
  • The world will end.